HURTING: Poetry and Rants

she- it's a rant

My best friend was brave enough to tell me that dark thoughts haunt her mind, and I try my best to always answer her calls or messages. And to make sure I call her too, and make sure she eats and drinks water. I love her but I have never told her that, and it isn't in that way. I love her like a little sister, though she is older than me. I need to watch out for her and protect her and help her when she needs it. She has never said "I love you" either, I think we both don't like saying the words, but deep down we know we do. We have been friends for about three years. She didn't like me at first and I can't remember how I felt about her. But over time we became very close, I guess I should have seen it, that she doesn't like to be alone, probably because she doesn't like to be alone with her thoughts. She likes to always be on the phone, even if no one says anything, she just likes knowing that someone is there. And I get it, I really do and like I said, I try to be on the phone with her as much as I can. But unfortunately I'm not as brave as her. I can't tell her that dark thoughts haunt me as well. I can't tell her that almost every day I think about if everyone is better off. Or if I really make an impact on anyone here. I can't tell her that I have been struggling to eat since March and at first it was because I had a stomach problem and then I just started to like not eating and I don't know why. I can't say that I finally eat when my stomach is actually hurting from not being fed. I can't say that when I do allow myself to eat I eat until I hurt because I know I probably won't eat again for the day unless my mom forces me too. I can't say that everyday I look at myself in the mirror and think that nobody will genuinely really like me if I look like that. I can't say that the reason I haven't done my homework in the past couple months and that the reason my late assignments are piling up is because I just don't care or want to learn anymore. I can't tell her that I'm sad or depressed because I don't even know, I can't say those words out loud because just typing them makes them too real for me to handle. I don't like talking about my feelings or being on the phone in silence. I prefer to be alone with my thoughts and handle my problems by myself. I prefer to sleep and avoid people and school. I can't be honest face to face, which is why this works. I won't know who knows my secrets and they won't know for sure who's secrets they are reading because from this I think you get by now that I'm never telling a soul. I know that I need help, preferably the professional kind, but I can't do it. All I can do is try my best to be there for her, because she needs me or maybe I need her to need me.

-C.M