The mountains we climb [ShiItaSasu] AU

Part 6, What if

The night sky was cloudless, the wind lazily playing with the leaves on the trees. Everything was quiet and the atmosphere in the outside world seemed to be so still and peaceful, compared to the storm that was ravaging my mind. Like a tornado, the feelings I couldn't get rid of were leaving me in ruins. Looking over to the bed, where he was sound asleep, I felt my heart sinking into the deep hole of misery I was burying myself in. His hair, so dark and beautiful, was spread across the pillow, contrasting with the white covers. His eyelashes fluttered as he rolled over to his back, lips parted slightly. Good things barely ever last and knowing that the day I would live through a moment like this for the last time was nearing, I laid my head on his chest. He didn't wake up, but subconsciously he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. It wasn't a tight embrace like the one he would keep me in when he knew what he was doing, but it was enough to make me feel at home. I found myself lost in the trance of the rhythmic beating of his heart against my ear, the sound so calming.

When I opened my eyes and stared at the white ceiling of the bedroom, the bed felt too big for one person to sleep in alone. His figure soon came into my vision as he tiptoed around me, his feet making almost no sound at all. As if his body was weightless, he moved around swiftly. The hair I wanted to run my fingers through was sticking to his bare skin, droplets of water running down his back and disappearing into the towel wrapped around his waist. I turned my head away, the thoughts of the conversation we needed to have eating away at my consciousness. I was not ready and he had no idea what was coming.

"Did I wake you up?" I could feel the mattress give in underneath him as he got back into the bed, the faint smell of his shower gel and shampoo overwhelming my senses. His hand was soon gently holding up my head, his lips pressed against mine. The warmth of his body making me want to hide in his arms.

"No," he held out his arms as I shifted myself towards him, my head resting so comfortably on his shoulder. "I'm glad I got to see you before you leave."

"You should go back to sleep, it's still too early." The man I loved was many things, but he was selfless and caring most of all.

"We need to talk about something," I moved further away from him, my eyes focused on the way I played with my fingers. "It's about you and I. And-"

"And Shisui?" His eyes were on my face as I nodded in agreement, although I couldn't tell what he was thinking. "I noticed that you were acting unlike yourself." Grabbing my hand, he pulled me towards him just like Shisui did the night before. It was the same action, but so very different when carried out by him. The way his fingers wrapped around my wrist was not painful and the way he caught when the weight of my body almost made us fall over was carefully planned out.

"I don't know how to say any of this," I wanted to just begin and get it all on the table, but the right words weren't coming to mind. "I never wanted to do anything that would hurt you, but I did."

"Something happened between you two," he held onto me as tightly as he normally would, his head resting against mine. "I figured that would happen."

"You did?"

"Of course, don't you remember the camping trip he orchestrated? There was some tension between you two back then already." He breathed out a laugh. "Did you think I would be upset?"

"Are you not?" I asked, looking at him. "Why aren't you?"

"Because," he moved his hand onto my cheek, his thumb drawing circles on my skin. "Although I would love nothing more than to have you all to myself, you sacrificed yourself for me before. It's my turn to accept that you're dealing with your own emotions."

"I don't want to do it anymore. It's confusing and it's just too much for me to handle-"

"Sasuke, ignoring these things never leads anywhere, you will always somehow find yourself right back where you started. I'm not angry or disappointed."

"But you should be," shaking my head, I rubbed my face. "I cheated on you."

"The one thing that is making me feel agitated is the fact that you didn't come to me right when it happened. Communication and trust are the most important parts of every working relationship. You're not meant to deal with things on your own, especially when it gets too heavy for you to carry on your shoulders alone. Your burdens should be shared with me so I can help you, but if you don't talk to me then all I can do is watch from the sidelines as you struggle." His voice trailed off for a moment, his gaze leaving my face for the first time. "I don't want to do that."

"I tried breaking things off with him," I said, tilting my head backwards. "He wasn't having it. Told me that he can see how I'm falling in love with him and that he might be feeling the same way for me."

"Are you?" It was a simple question, yet the answer was not coming to me clearly.

"I don't know. What if I am?"