It's been so long. That's a good thing. I don't like it when my last resort is to come on here.
I'm not okay. Not right now at least. I feel horrible at the moment.
Might just be because of the end of the year. No what am I saying I know what's going on.
Where do I even start. For one, I'm really upset with Jack. What the hell. He was so fucking excited about CoochFest, hyping it up with me and everything, then never shows up, never answering my texts asking where are you, never even telling me why he didn't show. This isn't the first time he's done this either. What the fuck.
I cried for the first time in a long time last night. Me, Aidan, and Javiar were out by the fire for a long time last night. We got into deep conversations. After they left I just went into my room and balled for what felt like hours.
I'm holding so much in. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I feel like no one really understands me and that's why no one bothers to look past my outer state and ask how I'm doing mentally. I know people care about me, I just wish they'd show it more. I just need someone to talk to.
Speaking of holding so much in, I'm so tired. I keep so fucking much from people. I need to stop that. It's just not healthy for me. It's honestly what probably causes half my problems. Then you have moments like today where I spit something out that I've been holding in for a while at the most random time. I feel so bad for that.
I'm going to miss the seniors.
Tonight driving home I cried again. I cried to fucking "My Girl" by the Temptations. What. I'm probably the only fucker to ever cry to that song. God was probably laughing at me.
Another thing hit me while driving home. When I'm behind the wheel I have the power if I live or die. It scares me how much I think about how I have the power to end my own life. Would people even notice?
I've been watching more porn than I usually do, recently. I try to avoid it as much as possible. I don't like it. But, when I'm in a state like this I turn to it and I'm upset that I do. I'm fucking disgusted by myself. And yeah you can say, "well why don't you play guitar to distract yourself?" I do. But there's only so much damn guitar I can play.
In all, I've been praying a lot more. I don't feel good right now. I want to travel all 50 states right now. Just me. Document all the places I go and all the people I meet along the way.
Someday I'll do that.
I'll travel to all 50 states one day.
I promise.
