Epiphany: A quest for love

Brave in the rain

SEOKJIN

I missed this. I missed my family and the city and most of all, my friends. My brothers, not by blood, but by choice. I missed hanging out together like this. Chatting. Laughing. Talking about important things and dumb things or nothing at all. I move my gaze around the huge living-room of Namjoon's apartment where we are all gathered tonight, along with the girls, to celebrate. They are all spread throughout the room, sitting on the two couches facing each other or on the carpet, just like we once used to do at our dorms. Jimin and Tae are seated, explaining something about the military to Ella and Julia, both of them listening with interest and swallowing every word. Yoongi is cross-legged on the floor, at the bottom of the couch, with his head leaning on Julia's leg, listening as well and nodding from time to time to confirm what the other boys are saying. Sometimes he intervenes with a commentary.

Jungkook is sprawled in an armchair next to the couch, with Reea in his arms, tormenting her while she is trying to focus on the others' conversation. He blows in her ear, making her hair come on her face and she snaps, turning to grab his hair and pull, but she soon realizes she can't do that. His hair is the shortest it can get. This is how the soldiers wear it. She decides to pull his ear instead.

"I swear to God, if you don't stop, I'll end you!" she rages, making everyone stop talking and look at them. The youngest only smirks and looks at her with fiery eyes, a hidden meaning behind that gaze, that I'm not sure I want to find out about.

Inna is seated next to me on the other couch, Hoseok on her other side, both of them having a different conversation from the others. And Namjoon... Joon is standing, tall and proud, watching everyone from afar, just like he always did in the past. He is and will always be our leader, the man who always supported us and we all looked up to.

There were two things that we wanted to celebrate tonight. First, is our return from the military. The second one is Namjoon's and Inna's engagement. He couldn't wait any longer, so as soon as he got discharged from the army, he took her somewhere nice and popped the question. Hell, Namjoon is getting married! I can't believe just how far we've come. How older we got already. As I look at the people I love most in this life, laughing and cheering, some of them hugging their girlfriends, others just joining the conversation and the storytelling, I realize something. We are celebrating friendship and love, above all.

"Are you going to stand there all night?" I ask Namjoon, seeing he doesn't make a move to come join us.

"I like this. Watching them. It reminds me that I have things to be grateful for." He replies, his eyes travelling around the room, at each person in here, each friend, and stopping to lay his gaze on Inna. There is serenity in his eyes, peace, fulfillment. And love. So much love for the one who holds his heart. I never knew love. Not the true kind, anyway. I had girlfriends in high school and later on during my trainee years, but with our debut, my interest for relationships disappeared. I lived for years in a self-imposed celibacy because I was too succumbed to my own demons and worries to have time remaining for love. There have been dates and casual hook-ups along the way, but none lit me up enough to awaken in me the will to put in some effort. To take a risk. I am a famous person. A celebrity, an idol. Everyone wants to be me and have what I have. But the truth is, there is nothing here. Fame is a lonely path and it is the only road I have ever walked on.

What my friend and Inna have is out of this world, an ideal relationship. Not unflawed, but beautiful and strong. I wish I'd be lucky enough to have that someday. To meet someone who would fight for me as hard as Inna fought for Namjoon.

"Oh, I know you do. But it's your engagement party. Come, tell us more about your service." I urge, making him finally remove his back from the wall to join us on the couch. He takes the armrest, keeping a position above everyone else. As if to continue watching them. To guard them.