Epiphany: A quest for love

4. Life goes on

JIN

I'm a liar. A pretender. I pretend to not be bothered. I pretend to not know or see or feel. I pretend I am okay. I pretend I am confident. Secure. When in fact, I am a mess.

This is all I ever did. I built this perfect mask and hid all my broken, rotten self behind it.

I made it so strong, so faultless, that sometimes I am not sure whether the mask became part of me. Like a second layer of skin. Maybe I am not the one wearing the mask, but the mask is wearing me. Patched me up, keeping me together.

I'm a fucking liar. And today I lied again. I went to the airport to see someone and tell her how I feel. That I am sad. Betrayed too, maybe. And that I will most certainly miss her. Instead, I said goodbye. I watched her go. And now I am back in my lonely world again.

I was in the practice room, going over the old choreographies one more time, when I found out. Namjoon called to announce to me that he's not gonna stop by the studio as we initially agreed, as he has to pick up Inna from Mirae's house first and take her home. That she was a bit of an emotional mess now that her best friend is gone. Obviously, Mirae's name immediately clung to my ears, and I found myself asking further questions. And this is how I found out she is moving out of the country.

Namjoon was shocked to find out I was not aware of this. Whatever he thought happened between me and Mirae, especially after that kiss a couple weeks ago, he was certain it was serious enough for me to know about her departure. Apparently, it wasn't as big as he expected because she never told me anything of that. She said nothing at all.

I don't know how I left the building and jumped into my car. I don't remember my trip there. Everything was a blur, it happened so fast, my thoughts rushing at full speed. I felt so betrayed at that moment, so left out. So hurt. And the funny thing is that I don't know why I was feeling everything with so much intensity. When I reached the airport, I literally flew out of the car. I only had time to grab my cap, a disposable face mask and her umbrella, which were all resting on the passenger seat.

When I walked in there, seeing so many people leaving and saying goodbye, I got weak, emotional. I was angry and hurt and the thought of not seeing her again for a very long time or maybe...never, clawed at my chest. I was full of emotions and I dropped that perfect disguise for a second and I was so sure I could do well without it. I wanted to question her, to ask her to explain why she's leaving and why she hid this from me. Why didn't she think I was important enough to know about this? Why did she make me look like a fool in front of my friends? And most importantly, I wanted to make her stay. I have no clue how I could do that, but...yes, fuck it! I wanted her to stay.

But the moment I spotted her and ran to her, the moment I called her name and she looked straight into my eyes, I felt so naked, so vulnerable. I couldn't bear it.

I couldn't admit to her that I knew beforehand that she was leaving. That I found out and I was pissed. At her for not telling me and for leaving like that. At my friends for not letting me know me sooner and keeping this from me, although Inna already warned me she won't get involved. At myself, for thinking I could beat time. For thinking that I have enough of it. So I built that wall again, brick by brick. That nonchalant, carefree mask...I wore it once more.

Because of my stupid pride, I didn't tell her I went there today to see her. One last time. I went there for her and she will never know the truth. I made it look like a stupid coincidence. I fed her a lie that she bought. Or at least I hope she did. Because the alternative would be her seeing right through me and pitying me for the pathetic man that I am.