Close to you // dreamnotfound

1. I'm tired of hearing about your terrible dates, George.

I'm glued to my frigid bed, alone, exhausted, and hopeless. I rolled over in sync with the sound of thunder coming from outside these four walls I'm currently boxed in. I feel so useless. I haven't been taking care of myself for months as I've been stuck in this rut that I'm not sure I'm able to crawl out of.

This has been happening consistently over the last few months. I can't get myself into the mood to stream, I've just been sending out tweets once in awhile letting my fans know that I'm taking a break with personal issues -- they always wish me well instantly without questioning.

I've been dodging my friends and other members of the SMP over the last few months too. I make my small appearances in other people's streams briefly and keep my interactions on discord minimally. I would think that they would've noticed already if I was doing a bad job at masking my pain, but no one has said anything. I've came to the conclusion that either they're bad at realizing someone is in need of help, or they know but don't know how to approach the situation without setting me off.

My phone rings, the bed shakes. I roll over to see "George <3" on my lit screen. My heart drops as the sound of vibration against my chestnut night stand grew louder as I snapped out of my daze. I pick up my phone and wince at the brightness. I press the green button to answer his call.

I hope he notices me this time. But I'm sure that's not the case, since he hasn't for the last 5 years.

I've been madly in love with this man since the first day I met him, but he couldn't care less to view me in that way. He always told me in the past how he appreciates me and wishes he can find someone like me, but I'm standing right here. You would think that if someone wanted your traits in a person to love, they would just love you instead. But in George's case? He's very complicated.

It's like he knew what he was doing to me, but at the same time didn't want to address the elephant in the room. I couldn't help but to just go along with the game he was playing — I also playing a part in the problem I suppose. I was hiding behind our friendship, with my true feelings for this man. The man that will never know how I truly feel for him. The most important person I cherish in this cruel world, will never know.

"DREAM!!" I hear, George is straining his voice, he sounds hurt once again. The hurt in his voice was something I've grown accustomed to, since this was pretty often lately. "I'm so tired of going on these dates with these guys, they always just hurt me in the end."

Well, I wouldn't hurt you George, why haven't you noticed me? Why do you go after trash guys who only talk up game just to get in your pants?

You get to know these guys but you know they aren't good for you. What did you expect finding on a dating app that wasn't a quick fuck? Love..?

Were you expecting to find someone to love you just as much as you love them? I'm sure in some cases it happens, but i'm right here, idiot. Why are you so damn blind to hints! You make me angry, but I can never stay mad at you. George I'd do anything for you.. even if that means I can't get close to you the way I crave for..

"Dream?" He says, concerned. "Are you okay? Did you fall asleep on me again?" I snap out of my daze, realizing I was still on the phone with George. I can't let him worry about me, it would only send off red flags that something was wrong with me, I cannot keep continually lying to George, so I just try to avoid it as much as I can. "I'm okay George. What happened?"

George lets out a sigh indicating he was relieved after I reassured him that I was okay. He starts to hum under his breath, filling the gaps and silence in our conversation — creating comfort.

I'm not, but for George I would be okay for a thousand lifetimes if that meant he was still with me. Whether or not it was the way I wanted it to be, I just wanted him to be close, even if that meant sacrificing the pain I feel when he's finding love elsewhere.