Breathless

Her Attachment

Shehnaaz:

After having shared an extraordinarily mind-numbing kiss I want nothing but to stay in Siddharth's safe and cozy arms. Forever. It isn't the first time I've been kissed by a guy but I can say this is the best kiss of my life. After tasting his lips, I can't think of anyone else's. And his kisses? What shall I say about them? they are unbelievably soft yet rough, slow but wild. Altogether, they truly are toe-curling. The aftermath is entirely a different issue. My knees went weak for minutes and my skin is rapidly pebbled with goosebumps and my lips quivered with the deprival of his heat while I am left wobbling on the balcony alone. I don't know what my over-thinking fiance might be reckoning now in his room. I just hope he doesn't regret it because I damn well don't. Perhaps he thinks we are going too fast and I can understand that. But what am I supposed to do? My body seems to have a mind of its own when it comes to this man. He seems to have completely robbed me off of my sanity.

I think of going to his room but decide against it. It's not fair for me. He left me. And ran off like I've some STD, which by the way, I don't. So, why should I go and persuade him? I want him to come to me this one time. And coax me. Even I'm allowed to be mad at him. Yet, I go into the kitchen and prepare food for him. So What if I'm hurt by him? I can't let him starve. As it is time for lunch, I go and knock at his door. He doesn't open. I knock few more times and he doesn't respond. I get this is overwhelming for him but I can't let him do this to me. Each time he gets angry he's closing me off. Tears sting at the corners of my eyes and I silently cry to myself, slumping at his door.

Siddharth:

As I have the best kiss of 39 years of my entire life, it leaves me perturbed. To be truthful, it leaves me scared. I'm not scared for myself. I'm scared for her. So I push away from there without saying a single word to her. I have no idea what she must be thinking of me. Not always, I can punish her because of my problems and my insecurities. I saw how affected she was when I had been venting my frustrations. Though she didn't reveal it simply I could see it in her eyes as if she was feeling my pain. I have the urge to protect her from that. From any kind of suffering, be it from me. I don't want to see her miserable like that particularly if I was the cause. I'm a broken man. Though I hide that good behind the layers of elegant clothes, accessories, and makeup, one could see how shattered I am at times like earlier. And I don't want Shehnaaz to get wounded by the shards of my broken self. This marriage isn't going to do her any good. I realize that fact thoroughly today. All the misconceptions I had been having earlier are wiped away now. I'm not right for her and I shall not continue this any longer. So I call mom to tell her to cancel the wedding and come home.

"Mom, ye shaadi nhi hogi, aap bol do unki family se aur vaapis aa jao!"

"Kya bol rha hai, tu theek hai na? Shehnaaz se ladaai hua hai kya? Choti choti baaton pe ese rishta kon todtha hai baccha?"

"Main sahi bol rha hoon, mujhe ye shaadi nhi karni hai, bhas!"

"Theek hain cancel kar denge shaadi, pehle mujhe bata toh sahi ki hua kya? Abhi bhi Uss article ki wajah se dimaag kharaab kr rha hai, kya?"

I didn't like how quickly mom agreed with me. And how do I tell her that I realized that I'm not right for Shehnaaz after kissing her. "Koi dimaag nhi kharaab kr rha hoon main, bhas I realised ki main shi ladka nhi hoon uske liye" my voice breaks as I say that. I didn't know it would be this intolerable, confessing that I'm not the correct match for Shehnaaz. I wish I could be. Oh, how I wish to be 'the one' for her. But I never could be. And that truth stings me.

"Woh kese realize kiya tune? Shehnaaz ne... kuch kaha hai kya?"

"Nhi mom! aap samajh kyun nahi rhi hai?Maine decision liya hai usne kuch nhi kaha bhas aap rishta thod ke vaapis aa jao!" I scream into the phone adamantly.

"Toh reason bhi toh bata na! Main inn logon se kya bolun? Kya ye bolun ki 'mere bete ka man badal gya, aap ki beti se woh shaadi nhi karega, humein Punjab ghumane ke liye thank you hamara man bhar gya toh hum ab chale jaayenge' , socho Sid unhe kitna bura lgega aur Shehnaaz ko kya bolega, kya woh jaanti hai ki tu ye rishta jodne se pehle hi todna chahta? Bol na? Chup kyun hai?" Mom says exasperation clear in her voice.

"Mom, in sab ka answer nhi hai, I just know ki she deserves someone better than me, someone, who can keep her happy, someone who's not as damaged as I'm, someone whose tears she doesn't have to wipe, each time he breaks down and one day breaks her too, she's still a child, mom! " I cry out miserably. I hate being this way.

"Ek baat bata tujhe kese pata ki woh kese ladke ke saath apni life share karna chahti hai? Tujhe kese pata ki tu uske liye sahi nhi hai aur tu kese jaanta hai uske kya galat aur kya sahi hai, usko decide krne dena... Ek baat batati hoon dhyan se sun le, jitna bacchi usko tu samajhta hai woh vesi nhi hai, usne bahut kuch dekha hai, Sid, life mein aur sahaa byi. Sach kahoo toh tere se jyaada dard sahaa hai usne. Jab tu tooth raha tha, tere saath dene ke liye hum the, teri poori family. But uske saath koi nhi tha! uss vakth, jab usko ek saath ki sakt jaroorat thi. Isiliye tu ek baar uss se baat kr le, usko samajhne ki koshish kr! Phir ek decision pe aana! Ese decisions jaldbaazi mein nhi lete hai baccha!" She says making me aware of things I never tried to understand in the first place.

What mom said makes sense once I reflect upon it. I'm nobody to decide what's right for her or what isn't, though I still think I'm not the right guy for her. I'll have to discuss this issue with Shehnaaz and let her make the decision for herself. If she decides to marry me even after hearing my advice then I'm one lucky son of a bitch.

I look at the phone to check the time see it's much later than lunchtime and trot outside only to find Shehnaaz at my door with a tear-struck face.

"Baby? Kya hua? Ro kyun rahi thi tu? Aur kyun ese kyun baithi hai chal bed pe beththe hai" The endearment slips out of my mouth before I realize it. And I pick her up by her shoulders and sit her atop the bed.

"Tu hai na jo... I hate you!" She says with teary eyes. And I know I deserve that. but why does it pain so much to hear that from her?

"Tu mujhe hurt kyun kr rha hai? Bahut zyaada hurt kiya tune mere ko..." She says sniffling the tears.

"I know..." I agree as the guilt of hurting her eats me up.
"isiliye maine socha ki hum ye shaadi nhi krenge but we can be friends... You can't be leaving me for good, right?" I say and each of my own words shatter me from inside.

"Dobara agar ye baat ki na tu ne main muh tod dungi tera!" She says as she pounces on me.

"Ye kya kr rhi hai, baby?"

"Aankhe dekh meri..."

"Bahut pyari hai" I say honestly.

"Ro ro ke kese ho gyi..."

"Woh-"

"Chup! Muh band rakh tu apna. Sab sun liya maine! jo jo baate tune maa se ki hai."

"Ek baat kaan khol ke sun le! Tu mera hai, theek hai! Tu hi mera pati hai, agar dobara tune ese baate kri toh tera juloos nikal ke ghar ke bahar phek dungi! Hai kya cheez tu?"

"Toh tujhe mujhse shaadi karni hai? Jo bhi maine kiya uske baad bhi? Matlab tu pyaar krti hai mere se?"

"Pyar pyur main nhi krti tere se. Tujhe samajh mein kyun nahi aata ki mujhe tere se emotional attachment hui padi hai, aur maine tere se hi shaadi karni hai! Tujhe kyun lgta hai ki tu mere liye sahi nhi hai, tu problems mein hoga toh maine tujhe kyun chodna hai? Kya main problems mein hungi toh tu mujhe chod dega? Jaanta kya tu mere baare mein? Controversy queen bulate hai mujhe Punjab mein... toh ab ye jaan kr mujhe chod dega tu?" She says breaking into tears.

I hold her closer to me as she cried into my chest. I wipe away her tears with my fingers gently and kiss her eyes with a determination to never bring those tears in her eyes."Nhi, kabhi nhi tujhe kabhi nhi chodunga tujhe aur naahi mujhe chodne dunga! I'm sorry baby. Bahut badi galti ho gyi mere se... Esa phir kabhi nhi hone dunga." I say kissing her forehead.

I'm so sorry for this being a sad chapter, I even cried writing this but ye likhna jaroori tha but agle chapter mein esa nhi hoga. The next chapter would surely put a smile on your face. I also understand that the ending is bit abrupt but I couldn't write anymore. I became little too emotional. My apologies. 🙏💗

Don't forget to commote,(comment and vote) share, and stay safe! 💗💗