GODS AT THE CENTRE ( EDITING)

CHAPTER XVIII, VAXES: TROUBLED WATERS

Is everything a dream,  an unending nightmare? Where's Vantu Vaxes the unbeaten? Is this her? No I cannot be. She's long gone. What remains I donot know.         She let out a long sigh and wished not to end it.

She flexed her fingers. This was no dream, it  was reality. Painful reality.

He was calling, her tormentor was calling.  The deck creaked as his footfalls got nearer and nearer.

His calm smile crept up beside her.
"How do you do this fine  morning?" His hands were buried in the pockets of his grey tunic.   "I asked you a question? How are you doing?"

For all she cared the air could have been talking to her.

Her fingers dug into the taffrail. She exhaled roughly into the pewter waters rocking below. "Leave me alone. Please."  Even that didn't sound like her. Where was her defiance, her rage? When did she begin to sound so pitiful?

"It's a good day. The weather is good. We are making good time. No monster has dragged us under in this strange waters." Even his chuckle didn't make it funny.

Emmeso didn't give up when she didn't speak. "Besides, you should be happy. You're going home. Your queen is paying a jaw scattering amount for you. You should be proud."  Emmeso sighed.   "It's well. I will leave you to your silence then." 

His footsteps against the deck fell away as he whistled off towards the mast.

Why did the queen bother with scum like her? A disgraced general wasn't worth the ransom!  How could she face the queen? Before her, she had sworn to bring her victory, proud and bold. She clawed at  her chest, dragging at her roughspun   shirt.

I disgraced my father, I disgraced all of Thigia!

She peered over the rails coolly. The pewter water..... so calm, so inviting as the grey waves merged  into each other.

They hadn't restrained her, they didn't take the  trouble. They were in the middle of the sea, where could she go to?

She looked around. He was now  at the stern, discussing with the captain. The rest of the crew were too far to stop her.

It could end here. The water below rocked the ship gently. The waves seemed to reach out to her, comforting and promising.

Just a quick jump, into the cold waters. The sea would claim her. All this would end. She heard about drowning. How men struggled for breath and choked upon water. How long did it take, was it painful?

Did she dare?

She glanced back into the deep and her hands tightened around the rails. Her guts tightened. She sighed.  She couldn't do it!

She was a coward! She had failed everyone and she didn't have the decency to end her miserable life!
She should have killed herself the moment she woke.

She was a coward, afraid. Behind all that rage was a little girl that will always be ugly.

I'm sorry father.

She tasted salt. Something moist had rolled down her face, into her lip's corner. She was crying! She hadn't cried since that dark night.

"What are you looking at, girl? I'm dying and you're still ugly!"  She saw his taunting face distorted in the of waves.

"Ugly!"  More voices screamed. She let go of the rails and prepared to  jump. Let everything end here!

A firm hand clamped around her wrist.  She was dragged away from the rail with a violent jerk.