Curiosity (GxG) (TeacherxStudent)

Chapter Twenty-Six

Not so fortunate now...

This is wrong. What am I even doing? When did it start? It all sounds normal, maybe for me, but for others... What would you even call this? I was too reckless.

I listened from outside, peaked on my windows as I watched her as she picked up my phone and answered it all by herself. She looked like she was indecisive the whole time. I wanted to know what made her do it. And I don't know why I was hiding. I wanted to know why I can't confront it myself too. Scared? Maybe it'll be a misunderstanding? Somewhere along those...

I finally dared to go inside my own house. I caught her slipped my phone in her pocket, but I ignored it anyway. Acting as if I had newly arrived, I went straight to the kitchen, acted cluelessly innocent.

"Ellie... What's up?" I asked. Though I'd look suspicious with my bad acting, I turned around to face her, and she was as nervous as I am. Sweat crowded her forehead, and she was looking at me with a heavy glare.

"I- umm...What did you buy?"

I can't stop thinking about it. I allowed her to drink... Let her continue it on my own house... Then let her sleepover...
Is this still normal? And why was I so casual about it then? What the hell is wrong with me?

"This? Oh, it's nothing I just want to try something new." I turned around again to looked down on the bags.

The thought was disturbing me, and no matter how I tried to sweep it off and get on and talked about a random tart, it stayed, spiraling on my mind rent-free.

"That sounds tasty... You should bring some over at our house, I-uh... I think my brother would love those," The phone in her pocket vibrated. Jon was spamming my phone with texts and it was very obvious but Ellie tried to play it cool. "I should probably go."

Yes. She should go. And after this maybe I can... Maybe I can try and bury this feeling. Hide it and distance me for the better. Hide and pray it goes well... As she said. Like what I always do about my problems.

"Oh, you're going home? I was hoping we could umm-"

But why can't I let it go?

I sighed, "Nevermind." Then started shuffling on my grocery bags and took it all out more aggressive than the thoughts on my head. I screwed up by dropping butter on the floor.

I reached for it on the ground, didn't know her hands were on the way I grabbed it instead. Dumb, I'm so dumb. Overreacting, I withdraw too quickly and gained attention from her.

"Are you okay-"

"It's not you. I promise... It's me."

Ellie stepped closer behind me. "Was it because I said I was leaving...?" She asked.

"No."

When will she wake up too?

Then the realization flooded in that maybe it was just me that felt that way, that was why. Because this is nothing to her. Nothing to wake up from because, for her, this is nothing but friendly. And friendly is so opposite from what I'm feeling. This is why this is so wrong, and I can't even explain it to her clearly because it might not even be mutual!

Fuck! I'm so screwed.

"Ellie, don't you think this is weird?" I asked. "I'm your teacher for christ's sake, doesn't that put you off?"

"I don't see anything wrong with it."

Of course you don't, because unlike you, I'm trying hard not to close my eyes and be careless. You can look at me whenever, and feel nothing at all. That's how it is.

"Really?" I dropped my shoulders in defeat. "So you don't think a student hanging around her teacher's house is strange?" I might end up saying too much. "Well good for you Ellie... Good for you..."

"I don't get what you're talking- what are you scared about?"

"I'm not scared."

I'm terrified because for the first time, I find it painful to want a person, which is something unknown because it usually gives you life, but when it comes to you I feel tied up, restrained,  trapped in a box that unable me to reach to you.

She stepped closer, and I felt myself stepped back too until I reached a point of no return. My empty walls prevented me from ever running away. I was left to pick. Say it now, or keep it in and pretend that nothing happened.

"What are you worried about?" She asked again.

That I would look so desperate. A student? Have I gone insane? But as I looked deeper into her brown eyes, the longing feeling of reaching to her grew wilder. If I pull her face right now, would she run away? Would I regret it afterward?

I brought my shaking hand up. Slowly inched it towards her cheek to feel her smooth skin on my palms once again. Then the magnetic sensation swirled into our tight atmosphere. It brought our heads even closer.

"This is what I'm worried about..." I whispered. Our noses were touching. Eyes both closed as we felt each other's breath. I tilted my head.

Get it together Karlene. You know this is wrong. But why does it also feel right?

I backed away a little when my cheek touched hers. After this what could happen between us? Never the same? Am I brave enough for what's next? I guess not, explains why I'm pulling away and resisting.

"Why didn't you do it?" Ellie muttered under her breath. She searched my eyes, aimed right through it, but why was it that she only saw horror inside? Why do I feel scared to do what I wanted to do even though my heart was already shouting and fighting for it? I came so far as to pin her this close, and now here I was, indecisive to continue or not.

The time was up, cutting the tension. The phone in her pocket rang making her move away from me to straighten herself up. I watch her pull my phone out of her pocket as she wore an awfull surprised expression.

I took it anyway and answered it as I walked away from the spot.

I heard her mutter one last time. "I should really go."

Her words, how she said it, how it made feel like something pierced through my heart and emotions poured out of it uncontrollably. It  made me force myself to end the call. I didn't even know what I was doing anymore.

"What if I don't want you to go?" I asked.

When did I ever stutter in my life? Only when I'm with her do I feel like this, is that enough to be sure? I still don't know what I truly want. She always leave me wanting more, but I don't know how much it would take to satisfy me. What else do I want...?

Her faced showed confusion. I watched her as she find words to say.

"...I'm always nearby... Ms. Miller.  I've thought about what you said, and I think you're right. This is kind of weird isn't it? I'm sorry..."

Just like that, she dropped her words without letting me reply. What am I going to do now? Is it best to keep it that way? Maybe this is the beginning of the end. I have to start avoiding her before it consumes me first. Deny it if I must... Leave before it makes the two of us suffering.