Always, omi

Part 4

07/15/20

Dear Atsumu,

This morning, you said you woke up earlier than me. That's not true. I was already awake then. You got up from the couch and sat on the chair next to my bed. I felt your hand making its way to intertwine with mine. I did my best to not give off an obvious reaction. You pressed your lips on my hand, on my knuckles, my fingers, and I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes and tell you to stop because it was so endearing.

A little while later, you sang me a song. I thought it sounded familiar and I realized it was the tune you kept humming to yourself when you're putting me to sleep. I liked the song, well, partly because of your voice. The lyrics were sad, but beautiful. Let me recall.. I think they went: "For your eyes only, I show you my heart, For when you're lonely, and forget who you are" That's all I can remember.

I'm sorry for pretending like I was still sleeping. A part of me wanted to hear you more, afraid that this seemingly fragile version of you only exists when my mind is lost in the cloud of dreams. I was going to naturally flutter my eyes open, test my skill in acting, but the doctor entered the room and you had to let go of my hand and stand up to greet him politely.

The doctor checked on my stats and talked to you a bit about casual things. At this point I decided to continue faking my sleep. He then asked to speak with you about something important to be discussed outside the room. I felt you leave a kiss on my forehead before you left. Then I ended up falling asleep for real.

I woke up to see you by the couch with your head hung down. When I called your name, it took you a while to look at me, you even told me to look the other way for a few seconds. I felt conflicted but I did it anyway. When you said it was all good now, I couldn't help but search for your eyes first. I may have lost my memories, Atsumu, but I am not stupid to not know you were crying beforehand.

But I didn't tell you this because you were already making your way towards me for a hug. I'll have you know.. hugging you feels really good. It eases the unpleasant things I feel in my body. You told me it was because of the oxytocin being released in my system, but who has time to think of science when the warmth in your skin and the smell of your hair consume my mind completely?

"You don't have to worry." You said as we hugged. We both know what you meant— an answer to a question unasked. So I didn't.

In the afternoon, we shared a call with our good friends. I got to meet Keiji, Koutarou, and their twins. They talked to me and told me stories of our double dates with them back when they were still dating, and that I had always been either too direct or shifty when it came to you - that's how everyone found out I had feelings first before you did. I know about some of these things already, since you would tell me stories every night without fail, but hearing them from our friends' points of view enhanced the quality of these stories, like jigsaw pieces coming together to complete the picture- and I'm the missing piece.

When I told you my head felt heavy and I had to sleep, you initiated the goodbye greetings and I watched as the twins waved goodbye at us, their eyes filled with wonder- maybe wondering why their uncles are in the hospital, maybe wondering why their uncles hadn't visited them for quite some time. Or maybe that was just me overthinking.

I looked at you and you smiled and urged me to go to sleep. I wanted to say something but I decided not to. I think you might cry when I say it, so I'll write it here instead.

When I'm all better, when I gain my memories back, and we finally get married, let's start our own family soon, okay, Atsumu?

Why does the thought of that make my heart flutter?

Always,

Omi