Flew

July 1983

*five years later.
"Bye grandma, I will always love you."
I'm wearing a long black dress and my hair is up in a tight bun. On my left side my father is crying his eyes out and my mother is trying her best to comfort him. On my right side I have my now 17 year old sister, Corey, who is just standing their almost paralyzed, and with a empty look. In front of me is a white coffin which is surrounded by beautiful red flowers and from behind I can hear a few sobs, but other than that it feels like the church is empty.

My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. I was in my room when my dad came in. His face looked puffed and his eyes were red and filled with tears. "She's gone, forever gone..." I have never seen my dad in that much pain before. "Grandma died last night, she just stopped breathing and when her neighbor found her it was to late."
Hearing those words is something I think you can never be prepared for. My grandma had been sick for many years and I knew that she didn't had a lot of time left on this earth. But at the same time I couldn't picture a life without her, so I never accepted it, I just told myself that she would be here with me forever. But now she's gone and it feels like a big hole in my heart.

After the funeral there was a small gathering with all of my grandmothers friends and family but I just couldn't stay, it was hurting to much. So I went straight home to my apartment that I got last year. I'm 21 years old but I still live with my parents. I know what your thinking, I have an apartment but I still live with my parents? I moved out but came back after my grandmothers death because after it I couldn't sleep alone anymore.
I actually feel like I'm still a 16 year old girl, but in a more developed body. I am on the exact same page as I was when I were 16. I still haven't been in love, I haven't had my first kiss and I still live with my parents. Wow what an adventurous life! Not really.
On the hand I can't live a day without the thought of cutting myself or taking my own life. Because thoughts like that have been spinning around my head for the last 3 years. My grandma is the only one that knows about them and I always used to talk to her when I had them. But now she's gone so instead of talking about them I hide them away with music and a lot of alcohol. I go out almost every night because I'm scared that I can't handle a sober night without taking my own life, and just like every night I will go out tonight, even though I just buried my grandmother.