HOW DID I SURVIVE

CHAPTER: 9

It got to the point that, he was trying to keep me from fixing my car, from spending my money. he was on probation and he had to tell them about me, and had the guy call me and explain everything, he asked if i knew i had warrants and i said yes, and it he asked if i could get them taken care of and how long well it take, i said i don't know its $800.00, he said ok, the problem is as long as i have them, I won't be able to be in a car with him or at his house, we can still talk on the phone, but that's it and said he'd call him and let him know.

next thing i know my mom needs money for her lights, and so me and my sister was talking about going half and so hes messaging me telling me that i need to hurry up and get my warrants taken care of, i said I can't afford it right now, I'm trying to fix my car and now my mom needs money for her light bill. he straight up says well tell her no.

that you need to get your warrants paid, I said wtf, and said were not married, this is my money, you are not in control of what i spend my money on. if i want to help my mom it ain't non of your business, well i want to see you and i can't now, i said no but we can still talk apparently it wasn't enough. wasn't together but 4 months and he was already wanting to marry me. and trying to move to Alaska. so he's talking crap and I said look you obviously need help, you need to grow up get your shit together, and until then were done,  i've had enough you know what i've been through and I'm not doing it again. and i ended up blocking him on Facebook, because he was stocking me saying im already dating someone when i wasn't, then he made another account and did it again and so i said, if you don't leave me alone. 

ill call your probation officer and tell him and show him what you are doing, well not to long after I met another man, I fell in love with as soon as we met, we also met on facebook, and this time it was a month of so before we met in person, he was going through almost the same thing i was,  both of us said we was done with relationships and love and everything, so we hit it off, and we was friends but having sex and hanging out and stay out all night long and he'd make sure i was home in time to shower and get dressed for work and he'd drive me to work and stay all day and wait for me to get off work, so we can hang out.

i wasn't expecting to find anyone, but i did say before i met him, ive never dated a Mexican, which he is half but still. we ended up moving in together and i had fallen in love more and more. yes he has a temper who doesn't, he's smarter than me, he is a wonderful man, he had admitted he had fallen in love with me, but still wasn't sure about getting into a relationship or even marriage, but was considering it   , he wanted to marry me, but wanted to make sure, it was going to work out. he finally had said in front of his family on thanksgiving that we was together.

I wasn't the only one in shock, later we had went to the fair with his sister and he was talking to someone and I followed her and next thing i know he's mad yelling, why did you leave and his sister was like she was with me, what you don't trust me or something , he was like no i turned around and you was gone i was going to get you something, so we walk over and he's like i wanted to get us matching rings, so they asked what we wanted and so we got silver engraved bands mine is his crazy and his is her weirdo,  he had told me before were getting married wasn't really asking me or anything, so they hand us the rings and i'm like which finger his like, you know which one.

he's sister is freaking out, and everything, when were you gonna tell me. but right now where getting everything we need to get out of the way handled first, i'm still working on getting divorced and it's driving me crazy. I haven't seen my kids in 4 years and my oldest is old enough to come find me, unless he's choosing school first. I wouldn't blame him though. I'm still working out my issues, with getting over my past and the abuse, I feel like I'm not good enough, or everything I do is always wrong, or i feel like i cant say the right thing, it comes out wrong, facial expressions are an issue, never have the right attitude, i'm never surprised or excited when he buy's me something.

It's as if I have no emotion, just sadness, I know its depression, and even  my sleep patterns changed again, I sleep to long, i don't hear the alarms, my body is hurting again, not like it was but still, it makes it hard to work. so right now i'm  not working, i haven't worked since feb,2021 and now I'm a full time gamer/streamer. on twitch and YouTube. I'm not affiliated yet. but i'm getting there slowly. I don't have everything i need at the moment i use what i can. but you can look me up if you want at twitch.tv/crazyharley85, or on YouTube crazyharley85. also i've been working on this book the last past week, it's actually been helping me a lot.

since i've been hit in the head a lot, some of what i wrote may not be place in the right area's but, its because i end up remembering and remembering the page it's on and going back and fitting it in. but everything is true. and painful to remember. i've tried blocking it out, but its hard to, the bad thing is, I've tried blocking my kids out, not them in general, just enough to keep me from crying and being depressed, and i noticed I've forgotten more about my kids, then being abused, and that scares me, it's been four year's and my oldest had to me the last name of the people who have them and i cant even remember now i might have wrote it in a note book but that would be at my moms almost two hour away.

in the next week, we well be moving into a bigger house, and I can't wait, more room, and i can get a job close by, and save up for a computer monitor and desk, and maybe a webcam haven't decided on that yet. you know having all these body problems has been a big issue in my life, and i'm dealing with it as best as i can, i've always have low iron and calcium and bone loss and even my teeth are not good, i'm at the point of needing dentures at 36 yrs old, having 7 kids on top of that didn't help at all either but i love my kids more than anything in the world.

one day i hope to see them again. the question is well they hate me or understand. them people could have lied and told them, i didn't try hard enough or i didn't want them. when i fought for 2 years, while DFS lied and said i had 2 visits in 2 years, and that i wasn't doing what i was supposed to when i was the only thing i didn't get to do was the mental health and at the time i had told her we was moving into a bigger house she wanted the address 

I refused to give her the address and told her it needs repairs, and set up before we move in and she told the judge it was un livable, why because she hadn't even seen it, and i'm not going to give you the address and pop up there and see it before hand so you can refuse it anyways. why so you can take pictures before it is ready and say that's what it currently looked like even after it was finished. i had pictures of my last house and i asked the judge can i bring the pictures you cant see my house was cleaned before the accident and they said i can but it wouldn't help anything. 

I was suppose to use my sisters laptop before my mom gave it back and the day before i asked to use it and she said she gave it back, i said you knew i had court and i asked to use it and you just give it back before i could, so i got screwed on that either way. but i'm happy i have found the man i am with, i left his name out for a reason, for his privacy and i'm trying to improve my life. the way i think, sometimes i feel like my brain is empty, because, I don't hear anyone talking to me if im just sitting there watching tv.

like when you watch a movie, either you speak out loud or you start thinking something. i don't most of the time, i know i need depression medication and iron pills and Calcium pill, and my anxiety med's, but what can i take to improve me to be more energetic and less tired. i need to set up a doctors appointment but now that i'm not working or on Medicaid, i don't have the advantage as before, i've been trying to get on  disability even though i'd rather work. or at least health care.

but most important my divorce, its a domestic case. plus we haven't been together since 2015, so it be nice to get that taken care of. as soon as possible. so it's one less thing to worry about. I just hope i can get it done soon, and i hope i can get out of this depressive state i've been in. everything was mainly fine until this COVID started, and it's been a nightmare since. but on the other hand.

I still question how did i survive. I don't know, but i'm glad i did. i'm still struggling and still trying to be better so when i see my kids, im not a depressed un-socialized person. and empty inside, i want to be me again, happy, surprised, funny, out enjoying life and more motivated than i have been in years and i hope it is soon. other than that, im doing well and going to move on from the past, i lived through the storm and now it's time to for the calm, and move on with my life. its all i can do. and i will.