Lines

Colorful darkness

sometimes i need to take a walk. not very far, not very long. just a walk. i believe it's harder to stand up and walk away from things but it can also be the easiest thing you can do. at least for me. even though i had been the only one in the house it was much too familiar with the same inspirations, the wrong ones. i took a walk to the park, looking and observing anything down to the smallest of details, hoping an idea would come. everything was too pretty—not that she (whoever she may be) isn't, but beautiful thing tend to make other beautiful things seem less valuable or feel it in this case. i should shut up, i'm not good with being smooth and things like that. 

BAM!

something hit me upside the head, knocking me to the ground. i didn't feel the pain at first until it came flooding throughout my every thought, any thing from moving my head up to even thinking hurt. it became a little difficult to hear anything but Chris's voice was unmistakable. i've heard his shouts from down the hallway to the cars passing by shouting threats while i was out. 

"HEY LITTLE MISS HOMOSEXUALITY, PASS THE BALL OVER HERE!" He yelled from the park across the street, i should've just given him the dumb football but i was certain he would toss it again, and since he was on the football team hitting me in the head more than once wouldn't have been a hard thing for him. but being the idiotic person i've always been i didn't do the easy thing.

i picked up the dumb ball and used the bars from the fence to help me up, i thought about tossing it over, i did. instead i slammed it down onto the spikes on the tips of the fence and ran, i knew it had popped and if it didn't it was still pierced onto it, i heard the death threats from Chris and his crew and swears coming closer but i also knew they had been practicing for quite a while at the park and maybe,  just maybe they would be too tired or would get exhausted from chasing after me that they would just give up.

i ran down a narrow alleyway between two houses in hopes that their bulky figures and broad shoulders couldn't fit. they didn't but they waited for me on the other side. i slipped past Erick and headed left. i knew Erick would be the first one tired, the dude had his free seconds in lunch at least 3 times each day, and when they served burgers he'd have 5 seconds. not because the lunch ladies liked him or he got some kind of "i'm on the football team so give me whatever i want" card with them, he only had that with my kind. the weak, helpless students who could never stand up for themselves. Erick was the fat football player who was only used to push people around more than he was to run and who's fat hung out from under his shirt that practically every team had except gave them a special name. i turned around and saw that the jocks had gone, i did it? i for once, lost them? 

i returned home that day a little late with a broken nose, black eye, couple of bruises and a cut going across my forehead. my mom was in her room but then again when was she not. see here's the thing, my mother is a cripple, i know it's an insult that word but i hate sugarcoating things. shes not disabled, her legs not working doesn't "limit" her movements. she can't move anywhere without it, she just sits there staring at the wall—or out the window in special occasions. she never does anything. i tended my mother the way i always did when i got home and when i left, if i didn't my dad would probably have her starved by now. 

after that i headed up to my room, closed the door and wrote her song. this time her song would be an actual connection, i wanted to not just reach out to her anymore, i wanted to reach her.

she was the sky and i was the earth, no matter how close we were, no matter the fact that i've managed to reach the moon the earth and sky weren't meant to meet, they never could ever completely connect.

that didn't mean i wouldn't waste my time on trying. this time i tried not to understand her but have her understand me, and maybe the distance between the stars and the sand on the shore might not seem so far away for once. the struggles and difficulties we've dealt with might not be the same but the pain we feel doesn't hurt any less. you wish you could feel the physical pain a bit more than the emotional and psychological one, you wish you would summon up every happy moment in your life and just hide away in one of those. but you can't and you're stuck here which might hurt a bit more. 

yet i can't help but think, how is it that the sky and the earth are so far apart with nothing binding them together yet they're the same. she is so distant and floats far away from her pain and suffering while it's the thing she holds closest to her, she isn't enveloped or hidden from her darkness, she is her own darkness and there is no escape, the only escape she has is to loose herself behind the vast unknown that is herself.

but this song would be of the earth, of me. the sad truth that the closer the earth feels to the sky the more the distance is felt, the only source of connection is none at all, the fear of what might happen when they collide, the earth likes to hide it's demons down deep in it's core, it isn't made up of it, instead it builds around it putting every piece of it's past down into it's core. i feel so different from her, no resemblance at all but when the distance is greater it's hard to tell and that's what i fear of getting anywhere near her. 

who are you? are you more of the earth than the sky or are you more like the sky than the earth?