Lines

Waking up alive

Why am I still here?

Crashing.

Falling.

Empty.

Everything around me seemed to be falling and crashing. My life was empty. Life. I still have one. The fan above me slowly spinned and split into two then three, and then there was one again. I turned my head to the left side which felt like hell holding a party in my cranium. My wrist laid there with 3 deep slices I had made with a kitchen knife that laid not five inches away from my finger tips. I lifted my other arm, my right hand was holding a container, a jar. No. A bottle of pills, or at least now just a bottle. I weakly tossed it with all my strength sending it 3 feet across the room. Anger bubbled up inside me. I didn't want to be here. I wanted the end of the line. But it only seemed cracked. My line was still going.

I struggled to stand up, I just kept falling to my knees. I bellowed in frustration just before breaking into tears. I am fragile. I crawled over to my dresser on my stomach, pulling myself forward by gripping the carpet. grasping and clutching the sides of the dresser I pulled myself up to my feet. Then I took my first real look around the room. The white carpet held some stains here and there but none too large. Now there was the biggest stain of blood in the center almost like someone had slaughtered a pig there, my exact intentions. I growled at my own stupidity. Nine slits wasn't enough, I probably had even missed the main vain.

Suddenly I became aware of the phone ringing in my pocket. I whipped it out and saw the time first. Twenty. Twenty hours had passed and that was it. I staggered over to the bathroom and looked into the broken mirror. Tangled and knotted, my black hair was sticky with dried blood and unevenly cut so bad one side was 6 inches long while the other was around 13 and a half inches in length. I looked down at the sink to see where the other five inches of hair had gone. All around the floor and all around the sinks edges, where pieces of glass joined.

Waking up alive when you intended to take your last and final breath, not a single other wasn't like a white angelic glow life makes sense now, near death experience. No. It was like sitting in a dark room, you could still see the shapes around you and hear their voices and movements around you. All feeling a happiness and light so foreign to what you know. The one way you can feel the light or a single ray of light upon your skin is to escape the darkness, escape it all. But instead of escaping the dim room you find yourself in pitch black darkness, a heavier weight on your shoulders. All you can do is scream and feel angry at yourself for failing, for still being alive.

I waddled over to the shower and turned on the water like every other day, I frowned at myself for just moving along with things as if nothing happened and as if everything were okay. Once the bath was full I stripped of my bloody clothes and slipped in the warm clear water. Of course the water would burn my arms so kept them high above the waters surface as I kept my whole head under the water, holding my breath, eyes open staring at the ceiling where I had written a couple years before a quote from Roger Flores.

"Take my hand, hold your breath and close your eyes,

I'll take you to a place you've always wanted to go."

I let some bubbles escape my lips and stared at them as they floated to the surface. If only escaping everything were as easy as floating away like that. It just might be for everyone, except me. I feel the weight of every bad memory pulling me down, as I watch everyone reach the surface, I sink deeper under water into the darkest part but never really reaching the end as I hope to.

I came up gasping for air, for some reason I had forgotten I wasn't breathing and almost passed out drifting away in my thoughts. I didn't feel like going to work and obviously that's the reason why my phone's been going off this whole time. My boss has been calling to ask when I'm going to come in. Of course they can get by without me, call someone else in. To do that they would have to pay that person double their pay just to cover someone on such a short notice, meaning I no longer have a job for causing such a financial problem for the buissness or some stupid excuse around those lines.

Why am I still alive?

Why can't someone cut the strings tying me down?

Set me free?

People like me are characterized and act like we want people as close to us as the sun to pluto but in reality we just want someone to hold us close and help us fight off the monsters that live inside of us, that poison are minds and drive us insane. Something about that insanity also provides us with a sort of clarity to the world, I can see lies and truth in a persons eyes, and obviously everyone hides one thing, has one lie which makes me afraid to even get close to people. Whats the point of staring a line that disapears as you go, never beginning because it ended the moment it did.

My pants were just outside the tub along with the rest of the stained clothes I slithered out of. It was still ringing non-stop, it may have been one of my favorite television show theme songs I loved but at this point it was just annoying. I rummaged through the pile of clothes trying to find my phone in the back pocket of the blue and red jeans, once I had my fingers wrapped around its edges I checked my notifications real quick before I tossed the phone in the water hoping it would fry me to death. It didn't.

That was the day that started it all, the beginning of an end of my line. I may be a bit confusing but sooner or later you will understand me more clearly.