Connected: a Newtxreader

22

T/W— suicide

What the hell?! You think to yourself. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

How could you be so stupid?! You just ran into the Maze again— which wasn't that shocking at this point— but you have nothing! No food, water, anything. Not that you can successfully consume anything anyways. Great, now you're thinking about food; your stomach eats at itself, gnawing on the nothingness like a creature trying to eat you from the inside.

And Newt. You just left him. Why?! You realize now how stupid you sounded. "I have to go back to the Springs". God you're foolish. You can't even find them, let alone save them. And save them from what exactly? They could be perfectly fine. You just threw away the only thing you had left, the only thing giving you sanity, for nothing!

You don't know what time it is but according to the suns placement you assume it's around 5 pm. You've been running for three or more hours, and the little energy you had had been completely drained.

What was the goal of this anyways? What were you hoping to accomplish? Did it really matter?

You've faced death many times before, and you accepted it a long time ago, but now it seems so much closer. So inevitable. Obviously death is inevitable, but as you run mindlessly through the Maze you've become so familiar with, you realize that this may be it. Your body is so feeble; you can wrap your hand around the entirety of your bicep with overlap.

But somehow you keep going. You keep running— although by now it has slowed to a jog— through the Maze in hopes of finding the Springs.

———————

With every hour that passes your faith seeps out of you like a basin with cracks, but the thought of seeing the girls again— Sonya, Harriet, Bella, Rachel, Miyoko— keeps you going. You stumble clumsily over your own feet and fall to the ground. Eventually you don't get up.

It seems stupid, crying over something you brought on yourself. This whole situation is your fault. You didn't eat for two days, now you're starving. You had an emotional outburst for no fucking reason and you ran into the Maze, away from everyone you loved. Well, the one person you loved.

The urge to breakdown overwhelms you but you push it back down. You've already had one mental breakdown today; you've reached your daily limit. You refuse you cry. It's not hard to block out your emotions, you've done it forever, so why is it proving so difficult now?

Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out.

You get up and begin walking again. You notice how the Grievers are seemingly unbothered by you. You've barley encountered any in all your times the Maze, and when you did, they avoided you.
The Maze is actually a rather peaceful place to you. There's nobody else there, just you and yourself, which is unsettling and comforting at the same time.

You walk aimlessly, not bothering to keep track of your turns or directions, you just walk. You trace your finger along the cracks in the ivy strewn walls, and notice a single white flower amongst the leaves. You smile and pick it, twirling it in your fingers a few times. You recognize it as a clematis with its cupped white petals and purply centre,— Sonya used to teach you all about plants; which ones were edible, and how to identify them— weird to find one here though.

You place the flower behind your ear and continue walking. For some reason the flower makes you think of Newt, and it brings you a sense of comfort, as stupid as that sounds.

Your hand runs lazily across the cold stone, brushing the vines delicately, until you spot another flower.

Odd.....