Confessions of nobody important

About being Queer

I came out as queer to my best friend yesterday and my oldest friend today. I went to buy olives from our local mini-market yesterday and I had a panic attack. Right in the store, next to the tampons, which qualifies for irony in some distorted universe. I freaked the cashier out,  calmed down eventually, convinced her to not call my parents or an ambulance and, took another deep breath went out of the store and called the man I call brother from another mother and told him everything. Today I told the man who has been my friend and supported me in every way for the past 14 years. They were a little shocked but super supportive! I on the other hand was a mess. I still am a mess. I am 30 fucking 4 and just came out. That makes me feel embarrassed a little. I am still freaking out! I knew deep inside for the past 26 years, I mean, I kissed a girl on prom night. I got drunk and kissed a guy after, as I was never going to see him again but decided to ignore it because everyone around me was straight. Because of the super straight mentality and the fact that I was surrounded by straight friends, I thought that my feelings were somehow related to the fact that I have always been an LGBTQ+ supporter and told myself I was just projecting or emphasizing. I told myself I was experimenting. 

My parents and family have a super straight mentality and everything that is not a man, that is clean, has no tattoos, no beard, if possible an orthodox priest, is not the ideal guy for me. It all came to a boil when they tried to match me with the cousin of another cousin, I don't know how many times removed, cousin by marriage, not by blood, etc, because one of my 20 closest cousins is getting married. She is 28 or...27, I am 34, soon to be 35... See the disconnect? That miscalculated equation was brutal for my parents. They are old, with old ideas that I might never understand, so I do not know if I can ever tell them, especially since I barely got the guts to tell two of the people I am closest to. The realisation that if they don't even accept a guy I like, and I am more of the come as you are type,  I realised that they will never understand and will never accept me for me, I will never really be able to tell them that I am also into boobs, not just bearded metal guys with skull tattoos and eyebrow piercings. After hearing what they wish me to be, how they want my life to be, the fact that I should obey because they deserve it and my disobedience might kill them aka emotional blackmail, all that has made me want to tell someone else not just the two people closest to me. And because I had a fucking panic attack in a mini-market!!! Because, while they listen, while one of them has a gay sibling and is trying to understand, it is not the same. They are straight men in their mid-thirties, I do not blame them for not understanding. being there for me is enough although gay jokes and stupid jokes like: ''we can get married and I will totally love for you to have a girlfriend'', are not funny. The fact that I know my parents will never accept me. The fact that telling them might probably kill them. The fact that I live in a country that is maybe in 50 years going to be where the US is today mental wise, the fact that I know there are people out there who are afraid to tell who they really are. The fact that a gay singer is a week-long worth of news and suddenly all of his friends and family must give an interview, is not okay. I am writing this here because I know I am not the only one. I am not the only one trying to interpret my feelings ''the correct way'' I am not the only one who ever thought that I am a disappointment to my family and I am not the only one who wants to be able to walk on the street holding a girls hand, without being afraid of people judging her. And I am also writing this here because it feels like the safest space for me right now. Because, writing this now, I feel a few pounds lighter, knowing that whatever I choose to call myself is ok. The fact that I like both women and men is ok. If I like women more it is also ok. I should not be embarrassed and no one who ever felt or feels like I do now ever should. 

And writing this now, I hope that whoever reads it will not be afraid to be true to themselves even if they are still afraid to tell the world yet. This I think might be one of the first steps to stop you from imploding and having panic attacks in grocery stores or maybe on the street, going into depression and ending up hurting yourself to stop the pain you feel constantly in your heart. Besides, no one knows your face here and you can change your name, so just let it out!

Thank you to whoever takes the time to read this! be proud of yourselves and love yourselves for who you are! You deserve it!

Do not read if you are certain that you are impressionable or a teenager, or both! :D 

Some explanations:

- East European version of prom is called a banquet- it is not really a banquet, not at all. Pretty bad in the early 2000s, actually worse than that, but we only realized 10 years later when we revisited the yearbooks, because 2 hours into the whole shindig, we were all drunk, hence me seeing some of the pictures 12 or 14 years later when I found them while cleaning. I hope I will remember to laugh about them with my brother then fucking burn them.

- come as you are: maybe just take a shower once a week and we're fine as long as our personalities click. Beauty doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside.

- a lot of cousins and relatives in general. yeah, we only see the other 60 something cousins at weddings and funerals. Whoever has a big extended family and is morally obliged to see them every few months he or she or they will understand when I say, isolation did have its advantages.