Confessions of nobody important

7th of July 2021

I fucking hate and love being under pressure!

I do not understand why I like to feel like the whole air in my lungs is running out and my brain is shutting down. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have been dealing with panic and anxiety attacks for so long that I indeed became a sadomasochist and actually enjoy the self-torture. 

At the same time, I feel like the whole world is falling down on me and I do not know how I could ever make it feel better. I believe I prefer the depression sometimes rather than to feel my blood pressure spiking to the point that I feel like my head will explode. 

The bad part is that this comes after a few days of, what I would call mild depression, but now I know that there is no such thing as mild depression. You just get used to it and deal with the fucking feeling of desperation and constant sorrow. 

Just as you deal with telling the people around you that everything is ok. 

What I noticed when I am not alone and I get into one of my episodes, is that I lie to my family and friends so much that started believing it myself.

I cannot say that this is a good fake it till you make example, but it is one as good as any. 

 What  I might want people to take out of this is not that it will get better, because it will, but it might also not. I believe that when I talk to a stranger online, my new therapist, it makes me feel better. 

I hate the fact that I cannot do this on my own, but I reached the point of realising that I cannot make it on my own, a long time ago. 

I will refuse any medication, and I am not at the point in talking to other people like me, because putting people in contact with other people suffering from a similar affliction will not always help. For some reason, my stupid mind thought at one point that I was in competition with the others and we were all trying to see who suffers most and needs the most encouragement, while now, I realize that maybe it did help me. As I stopped lamenting and complaining about my situation and although I have days when I am not able to do anything, I still fight the constant feeling of sadness and drowning. 

Because I am the one in control, even if sometimes it is hard to take it back from my subconscious insecurities, I am the one that can change my own narrative. 

And yes, it is harder than anyone can ever imagine, and fuck whoever said and whoever will say in the future I get it because shocking news: they won't!

Why I am writing all of this mumbles mess of thoughts is to remember that I am not the only one out there with these thoughts. I am not the only one that looked at the medication bottle and thought what if I swallow them all at once and maybe I die. What if take the knife and press harder or what if I would throw myself from my library window when I open it next time. 

Therefore, I am writing for others to remember the same. 

It is not about the fact that it will get better. It won't If I won't make it happen! Like I wrote above, I am the one that has the power to write my own narrative and yes, sometimes my narrative is very chaotic and sometimes, I do not feel the power, but I need to know that it is there. Everybody that ever thought of ending their life because they are just too tired to go on, need to know that this will pass, someday. Not today, maybe not tomorrow or maybe it will definitely last for another ten or twenty years, but you must fight, because there are many other good things that have to do with your life, with our life and that every sunrise and every new day means that you get the chance to fight and make your life the way you want. 

So, I believe it is good to sometimes let the bad stuff out and find a way to express what you are feeling like I am doing right now. To me, it comes with a sense of relief and it helps a lot with relieving the anxiety. Much better than watching 6 other people over zoom, trying to help them realise that they are not fuck-ups, because none of us is. 

I hope whoever reads this will know that as well and try to wait for the next sunrise with a little less anxiety or sadness that before.

We have one life, might as well fight for it!