Confessions of nobody important

Love will find a way

I think this is one of the stupidest things I have ever written when I first wrote it. It all started with a wish. The wish that was imbedded inside my subconscious ever since I was a little girl. That stupid feeling that you want to be different, but somehow you end up to the stupid words of ''nobody wants to be alone''. A stupid feeling of loneliness that was never really truly mine, but also it was never foreign from me either. Like one of those children train rides at the fair. The ones for really small children, that go round and round and round, and when you are small, and you ride those trains, you think those trains are the most awesome things in the world and you really want to ride it and when you do, you think the world is so big and wonderful being seen from the most awesome ride in the world. 

But at a young age, everything is different, impressive, more amazing and you can't wait to grow up and experience all of it. The older you get, the smaller the rides get and instead of enjoying them fully, you start using them as analogies for your fucked up feelings when you write on Wattpad.

And those happy moments become memories, more distant. You start thinking of those less and less, the older and bitter you become, the more you let the world dictate what you should feel and what you should do, how you must conduct yourself to be respected in society, instead of just going along with your sentiment and enjoying it fully, no regrets. 

I think at one point in time, I was one of the most spiteful and regretful people on the planet, until one day, I looked at my mother, I looked at the wrinkles on her face and I remembered that carousels at the fair and thought to myself, she must have been carefree, and joyfully at one point. Even if communist did not allow rides like those trains, she must have some happy memories, and she did, she still does, but they are always plagued by either the lack of money as a child with a tinge of a careless relationship with her mother. And since that day, whenever I was bitter, I remembered my mother and how I never wanted to be like her, not that part of her anyway. Yes, my father is sometimes embarrassing and still give the same life advice that I do not listen to, but I am glad I inherited some of his traits as well. Then I remember that genetics can only help you or destroy you halfway and that you have the other half to either destroy yourself or pick yourself up and be whoever the fuck you want to be, not who society dictates. 

This article piece started with a memory,  as most do and it started pretty cheap. 

One of my traits, since I was young, was that I was very indecisive, trapped between my desire to be free and who I wanted to be and trapped between the desire to be a good child, and make my parents happy.

It took me 34 years of living in between, and one piece of shit of a boyfriend, to realise that I will never make anyone happy as long as I am trying to make everyone happy and that human beings are selfish fucks, it is in our nature, and when we accept that nature, it will be better for us. 

Yeah! There is a contradiction here, but somehow, also the truth. If you want to live selflessly, become a nun. I don't so I will live my life as I want despite what society dictated and despite what was embedded in my subconscious. It isn't easy, but I get there step by step, every day. Like a toddler learning to walk for the first time. 

Back to the story at hand, because this is over-edited as the first piece I wrote was trash, as mentioned. 

The memory is about a song that I used to listen to on my favourite Radio Station. 

I somehow remembered this song and the days and nights spent in my 2 square meters large kitchen in my now old apartment. I kept trying to go my way, with one foot on the path that I was forging and one foot on the path that my parents were trying to get me to take, still. 

Listening to the radio, the only rock radio in the country I digest, even if it only play the same 100 songs, on and on and one, one of those oldies but goldies came up. I sound that I think was written before or right after I was born.

The song is called ''Love will find a way'' and it always gave me some sort of hope that the lyrics are true and that love will find me. 

The lyrics in the chorus of the song mentioned above are like this'' Love will find a way...if you want it to''. 

In my mind, I was waiting for prince charming and the song was telling me that maybe I should change and be more approachable and give people a chance. Now, I think the words are stupid. I will write approachable on my forehead with a sharpie. Will that make people like me more? Will I have tons of fake friends in my life to invite me to gatherings and stuff? Like I said: stupid. 

It was during those times that I started craving love more aggressively. Back then, I did not know why, but now I realize, that I had this fantasy that I needed to be saved and someone somewhere will come and rescue me from the world and from myself. 

Having lived through many years of that now, and having liked and fucked many toads,  I started learning a thing or two, I finally started to grow up, well maybe not a full adult, but an adult that does not only survives, one that also enjoys being one.

 I now look back at it all with pity for myself. The way I use to think makes me sad for myself now. Yes, we do need love in our lives, but life will not end if you end up alone. It does not matter whose fault it is. As long as you are content with what you are doing, I think it's nobody's business. 

Why is so important to have the love of someone else, when the most important love you need in your life is self-love? I agree that you can be critical of yourself sometimes, I myself cannot say that I like myself every day of my life, but I do love myself every second of every minute that passes just a little bit more. 

Yes, I still do stupid shit from time to time, because I was not created from mud, or sculpted from marble to be perfect and without flaw. I am human. 

And no, I do not need to have a husband and children for my life to be fulfilled. I used to hate the people that looked at me like I have cancer when they found out I am over 30 and single. 

I felt like a kicked puppy every time they looked at me. Like I will never find happiness and the only thing I deserved was pity. There was always a stigma surrounding single women, and that stigma still exists today. We might evolve and our views on the world and people might change, the problem is they change slowly. The bigger problem is, that we lack empathy most of the time and can only realize what is happening when we are in the situation that we are judging, thus, our views on the world might never change in some cases, and in the cases that they do, they change slowly. 

I think my life finally got easier the day I stopped and  looked at myself, I looked at things that make me happy in the morning, the things that make me smile. I realise now, writing this, that I am smiling because I am happy. 34 years of struggle, and over 20 of waiting for the right guys, and I wake up in the morning smiling not because I found him, but because I found myself, I find myself a little every day and that makes me smile. I wake up, look out the window, and realize that while I might still be a mess, I am my own and I do not need to be fixed, in order to find someone to love me. 

I think that stupid song is right in the end, love will find a way. It does not matter who it is, and in what form, you just have to let it. So I am letting myself go and loving myself to the fullest.