Your Words Your Story

1

Thank you to @-hidden_gems- for the story 

POV: -hidden_gems-

Around the time of 6th grade, I had these underlining feelings. I think I always knew I wasn't like the other, yah I liked boys but I also had a desire to be with girls.

These feelings that I had were just there. I never really acknowledged them or felt the need to think about them. I pressed them down deep inside of me and moved on with my life. 

It started small, with just finding girls attractive, staring at them, admiring their features but this was normal, right? It quickly developed into more I had these... desires that weren't what some people refer to as normal. 

Although there really is no normal, just things that society has deemed normal. Being in a heterosexual relationship was normal.

Moving past 6th grade and on to 7th I still liked girls, it wasn't a phase that I thought I would grow out of, this wasn't just an admertion. It never was, I feel like deep down I knew that this wasn't going to be something that I moved past. 

During 7th grade, I went on to develop crushes on both girls and boys alike. Anybody could catch my eye, it didn't matter your gender. It was easy to hide this part of me, telling my friends only the guys I liked, still not admitting that I wasn't straight. 

Last January I joined Wattpad, this app has helped me throughout my journey of self-discovery. I began to look at myself and started identifying with the label pansexual. Even though I had found out who I was I still didn't feel complete, pansexual didn't feel right. I don't know what was wrong with the label. I mean I finally had found something I could identify with, a reason to explain why I liked every gender. I went on thinking that maybe it was that I wasn't used to describing myself as pan.

As the days grew on and the days pilled into weeks I knew my journey wasn't finished, I hadn't closed the book on this chapter. Thoughts began to fill my brain, wondering what I was. I knew I wasn't a lesbian, I definitely wasn't straight. Again my thoughts landed on pansexual but the deeper I dug into the term the less I felt like I identified with it.

Back to square one, I was getting no were. Life moved on but I was stuck in my reality. Nobody would want to read my thoughts. I cursed the fact that I didn't know who I was. At school, it seemed like every other kid knew exactly who they were. I was the black sheep.

Luckily for me, the internet became my savior. I found a term that felt more like me, omnisexual but again this didn't make me feel complete. I knew that Omni described me.

For those of you who don't know Omni is like pan but it's not the same. Omni is where people see gender but it doesn't play a huge factor in who I date was as pan is described as gender blind meaning they don't see the gender of their partner. 

I then switched with what I described myself as, again. This time I used the term of Omniromantic. I had finally figured out my romantic orientation when my sexual orientation entered my mind.

What was I,  didn't feel like the idea of sex was something that I wanted, maybe this was just me being a young kid and not wanting to do intimate things yet? However, this was not the case, I knew that I would never want this. 

This brought me to square 2 on my sexual orientation. I didn't find sex vile or disgusting which is why I didn't label myself as asexual. In my mind, you had to have a hatred for sex and despise it to be asexual but this, in fact, was not the case. I learned that just because I didn't think it was disgusting or vile didn't mean that I wasn't asexual. This led me to the label of asexual. 

Finally, I thought I was done, trying to figure out who you are can be exhausting, but no, I was not. Gender entered the game board. I wasn't fully a girl but I also wasn't a guy. I spend hours wondering about who I was. Maybe I was nonbinary or genderfluid but again the same feeling I had when I thought I was pan came back. This wasn't right. I was a girl bat at the same time I wasn't. 

I didn't mind she/her pronouns but I also liked they/them pronouns. God gender is so confusing. I needed a term that was me and so far I hadn't found that. 

That was until I found demigirl. This time I got it on the first try. I was a demi girl who uses she/they pronouns.

Today I am proud to say that I am an Omniromantic, Asexual, demigirl.