Sarah PAULSON'S one shots

hurt

WARNINGS : semi-graphic self harm and overall mental health issues

You had everything to be happy, you were alive, you had the women you loved by your side. Really you couldn't complain, there was nothing wrong today with your life. But when you found yourself lying on the bathroom floor with blood dripping from your shoulders, arms legs and stomach, there was nothing but the darkness that made you want to give up, to let the sweet hands of death swoop you and tear you from the soils of this earth. Hurting was the only way for you to let go of this pain, the anger, the loneliness. You could have cope with being hit, hurt bruised to the hands of someone else. Hell you had already. Waited patiently as you laid between yourself and the hollow space, hands reaching for your body in the darkness, the soft sounding of a movie beating up with their terrible laughs, hugging your throat in an attempt to make you comply. You'd always give in, give up on your body for their own pleasure, their own needs, it was the way I'd had always been. There was no other option for you than to sit still and let their lips bare on your skin, eyes fall on your form without anyway to keep them away.
You were lying there like you had been many times, trying to gather all the strength you had to stop the bleeding. Go get towels and clean up already you miserable piece of shit
Your brain was telling you. The cold tiles were keeping you grounded and you didn't even knew the difference between the physical and emotional pain you were in anymore. All you knew is this was to much to bare, this was too painful to hold on. You started to wonder around and you had never felt so alone in years. No wait, you weren't alone, you were lonely, it was a different thing. There were people around you, but your heart was sweeping out of everything that had ever broke it. It was Tainting everything. Then your mind drifted to mina, the love you felt for her and the one she felt for you. How disappointed she'd be that you were thinking that, that you felt lonely despite the fact that she was still here. How uterly hurt that you had managed to get yourself in this situation again. She'd seen the scars, she'd never ask. And you were thankful. You knew them, you'd put them there you didn't need to be reminded that you had. you were well aware of what happened to your body. How you spend years trying to destroy it for the meer fact that it was alive, yours and breathing.
But wilhemina had never made a dumb move, she'd never asked intrusive questions, she had never asked you to promise not to do it again, she'd never kissed them like in some dumb movie nor had she dragged her fingers over the raised skin.
No wilhemina had been nothing but absolutely perfect and here you were disappointing her.
Suddenly there was a soft knocking sound on the door, and you were brought back to where you were. Your body feeling at it's lowest point. Stains all over your clothes.
You didn't bother raising up, or sitting. There was no point in hiding how terrible you felt right now.
"Y/n darling... Are you in there ? Are you okay you've been in here for a while now I'm worried"
You tried to speak up and mutter an answer about the fact that you'd be out in a second but no sound was able to come out of your mouth, you're vision was blurry and hearing muffled.
But you felt her open the door and the half gasp half sob that escaped her mouth hit your skin.
"Oh my god y/n what did you do ?! Why didn't you talk to me ?? Baby I'm here shh.."
She squeezed you tightly, her voice soothing you as you passed out softly in her arms, darkness scooping you in it's arms.
You woke up a few minutes later, bandaged up and wrapped in a blanket on her bed, you look at the white bands draped over your body in confusion.
"I cleaned you up and asked a card to put you to bed because I couldn't lift you up I'm sorry"
"Why are you apologizing I should be the one doing so, I'm sorry you had to that. I usually clean up after myself"
"How long have you been doing this again ?"
"Not long mina"
"How long."
"It was my second relapse in here"
"When was the last one ?"
"When we arrived baby"
"...i I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself. I never did"
"I don't need you to understand mina, besides I don't think I want you to"
"How am I supposed to help if i don't get it ?"
"Do I help you when you're back hurts ?"
"Of course, you give me back rubs and kisses it makes i more bearable"
"Hurting myself is my own version of back rubs and kisses, it is ment to soothe the pain, bring me back and let my emotions out"
"Oh...okay"
"Come on baby hop in bed now and cuddle with me"
"I don't want to hurt you baby"
"I'm not gonna break by a little snuggling now get your butt next to me I need to feel you"
"Okay I'm coming"
"You wish"
She looked at you at the remark climbed in bed and chuckled. She pressed herself on your side, nuzzling your neck and with her laugh and kisses you knew you'd never feel lonely ever again.