when you were my father

day one - beginnings are fun

It's close to midnight and a nine year old Mai lays, tossing and turning in her pink and black sheeted bed. Shivering, the imaginary land behind her eyelids is a terrifying sight.

Inhaling deeply, she sits up abruptly, fully awake. Glancing around her dark room, she blinks multiple times, still tired and trying to figure out what happened. "Daddy?" She calls, looking around her room.

Knock. Knock.

Shocking Mai, someone knocks on her bedroom door and she pulls her blanket over her head, hiding under the covers. "Kammy?" A kind man's voice comes from behind the wood.

Her face automatically relaxes, "Come in," She hugs her legs around her blankets, looking towards the door. It slowly opens, and a kind fatherly face appears, smiling with sparkling eyes.

He walks over and sits down on the bed, reaching to hug his daughter. She holds him close, on the verge of crying. "It's okay, it's okay, don't worry. It's not real, it'll be okay." He rubs her back, comforting her more than he could ever know.

"I love you," She sniffles, really trying not to cry.

"I love you, too. I know that nightmares can be scary sometimes, but it'll all be okay. Always, there's no way that they can be real."

***********

"Mai. Are you going to ask him?"

I'm suddenly waken from my daydream. Brought back to the world, I realize that I am still in Mr. Yee's math class. Maya is leaning over onto my desk, while the rest of the class seems to be paying attention.

"Mai?" She asks again, looking at me.

"Yeah?" I whisper, turning to face her.

"Are you going to ask DJ out?" She uses her shoulder to point out DJ, whose face is serious and staring at the smart board.

He has dark tan skin, like many of my classmates, wavy dark-brown hair and dark brown almost black eyes. Popular and athletic, I've known him since kindergarten but only last year did I really notice him. And now I can't stop thinking about him, which only fuels Maya's match-making like spirit.

"Maya, please, no way." I'm not normally shy, in fact I normally say too much to too many people, but around him I just freeze.

"Well, fine, I will."

"Noooo! Just leave it."

She rolls her eyes and I find a shadow leaning over our desks. Mr. Lee. "Girls, eyes to the board or I'll have to separate you." I stack my worksheets and look up to the board, elbowing Maya to do the same.

***********

"So, are you going to ask him?" I'm walking next to my best friend down the high school hallway. School's over and everyone's heading their own way. Maya's coming over to my house so we're headed to the back exit.

To our left are a girl and boy making out against the wall, I have to fight the urge to tell them that we're still at school. "Wouldn't you like that to be you and DJ?" Maya pesters, laughing at her own comment.

"Shut up, if I want to talk to him, I will myself, alright?"

"Bruh, if you want to be super scared, fine, but just know that you're never going to get anywhere." Maya rolls her eyes, knowing I'm not going to ask him. "There he is."

I turn to where she's pointing, and see DJ standing with his friends by the bikes. He waves and I nervously wave back, why does it have to be so awkward! Maya notices my face, and laughs to herself.

I gently shove her, and the two of us race off towards my house.

************

"Hi, Mom." I say, stepping through the front door of my house, with Maya following close behind. Expecting my mother to be sitting on our old, burgundy red couch like normal, I'm surprised to find the house completely empty seeming.

"Mom?" I call, wondering where she could be. Quickly, I walk around the house, in and out of each room, searching for her.

Opening her bedroom door, I find her on the floor. Laying there, facing the ceiling, with her eyes closed. She looks distressed and upset, her eyes moving quickly under their lids.

"Mom?" I ask, wondering what she was doing.

Her eyes snap open and she looks at me with her large green eyes, confused. "Valentina?" She asks, looking at me.

"No, it's Mai. Your daughter."

My mom looks at me as though she doesn't even know who I am. Her eyes fixate on me, roaming my body, seemingly scanning all of my features. A few long moments pass, just her staring at me, intensely staring at me. I can't look away from her. "M...Mai?" Her emotionless voice breaks the fervid silence.

"Yes. I'm Mai. Are you okay?" She grabs my hand and I feel her body shaking under my loose grip.

"I'm fine." She replies, using my hand to help herself up, standing quickly.

And then she falls over onto the bed. Her eyes close again upon contact, a limp body just crashing against the grey comforter.

Maya looks at me, she'd remained silent until now.

"You should call someone." She suggests, clearly worried.

"Yeah. Can I use your phone?"

Reaching into the pocket of her jeans, she pulls out a phone with a multi-color paint splattered case. I turn it on quickly and press emergency.

************

"Mai? What's going on?" My little sister Isla shows up outside the front door. Seeing my worried face instantly makes her worry just as much.

"Nothing. Mommy's just not feeling well. It's okay." She looks at me doubtfully, nose scrunched and eyebrow raised, but decides to brush it off and walk into the kitchen.

Placing her Hello Kitty backpack on the couch and taking out her crayons and color pencils, she smiles to herself. Then she pulls out a dark drawing that I can't quite see. She takes her materials to the kitchen island and continues to work on her art.

Micah, my older brother, walks through the door shortly after. Just about the same time that the ambulance pulls up in front of our house. He hears it's siren and turns around, curious. Confused, he turns around back to look at me.

"What's going on? Is Isla okay?"

"She's fine. Drawing over there. Mom was acting weird. We can talk about it later." I tell him, glancing over at Isla. She doesn't need to hear about the strange things that were going on earlier.

"Okay." He accepts this, understanding what I'm saying. We try to be good older siblings, since she is so much younger than us, and this is a moment where both of us find it best to keep something from her.