when you were my father

the crash

Brian is my dad. I haven't really even let myself process this yet, it was just one of the many realizations I've had over the past few days. When he died, life seemed to stop. My mom hasn't been the same, hanging out with us less and just being more isolated. Mateo's tried to act like he's fine, but I know he's not. And Isla, well I haven't really been paying attention to her as much, before all that's happened recently.

"Hey, Miley or whatever your name is, are you going to answer my question?" Lea asks in a rude tone, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Hm? Oh, what was your question again?"

She rolls her eyes, but begins to repeat herself. "What I said was, what..." She stops talking, and her eyes zero out on the wall by DJ's bed.

I follow her eyes, realizing that the walls, once again, are fading. My eyes go up to Micah, then DJ who both look at me with fear in their eyes.

"Sorry, but could you please go?" I ask Lea, who looks at us smiling.

"I... Oh my gosh, you guys all look so scared. What's this all about?"

"Lea," DJ firmly says, looking at her seriously, stopping her laughter. "I'll tell you all about this later, but right now you have to go. Get out of my room, maybe even get out of the house. Just please, go."

"Alright..." She backs away slowly, before turning and running up the stairs, muttering about 'how weird her brother is.'

By now, the walls have totally faded and we've been practically teleported into my dad's old office. Brian/my dad stands in the corner, looking out the window at a silent street. Sun shines through the windows, it's mid day and the weather would put anyone in a good mood. But instead a frown lays on his face, with tired eyes.

"Alright Brian, today's the day. Everyone's thought you were dead for the past 15 years, but today, you actually will be. Yes, that's today's agenda. You've hurt too many people and broke souls, now it's your turn to be the hurt one." He laughs under his breath, before walking over to a large mirror hanging on the wall. "Goodbye, goodbye Brian and James."

He walks out of the room and down the hall, leaving a dead silence. After several long seconds, the walls and furniture fade back into DJ's room.

Looking around I see everyone, except Brian. Thinking quickly, I realize what everything he said means.

"Where'd Brian go?" DJ asks me, realizing, like me, that our oldest group member hadn't returned.

Instead of answering his question I bolt out the door, a set destination in my mind with the need to get there as soon as possible.

********************

Just on the street outside of the house, I fall over onto the grass. DJ appears in front of me, leaning down and smiling. "Want some help?" I nod as he lends his hand, helping me off the ground.

I link my arm around his shoulder and neck, so I can walk with him. Micah and Jayden appear behind us, with Isla holding onto Mateo's back for a piggy-back ride. "Where were you going when you set off like that?" Micah asks.

"I... we just need to get to the intersection by that old book store, okay?" I look deeply into my brother's eyes, which show that he's confused.

"Fine, but isn't that where..."

"Yes, which is why I need to get there right now." He nods, walking in front of me and DJ, leading the way down the street for the five of us.

"Hey, what do you plan on doing once we're there? If I'm thinking what you're thinking, there's not really anything you can do except watch. And I'm not so sure I want to watch, or that you should." Micah tells me, while DJ just minds his own business.

"I know, but I have an idea. I don't know if it will work, but it could and I might as well try it, you know?"

"Alright, but just please try to be careful."

"I will." I hug him the best I can with my free arm, hugging a half-asleep Isla as well.

*******************

We reach the intersection just as it begins to fade, everyone that was there disappears and we're left alone for a second before busy people in their cars arrive, loud and crowded.

The car closest to us is familiar, as it's the car that my father used to drive us around in. A Volvo from 2010 that's a dark grey, almost black. Inside Brian sits at the wheel, tapping his foot lightly against the break.

"Goodbye world, goodbye life. Goodbye Micah, Isla and Izzy, I'll love your forever. Goodbye Danielle, I'll miss you a lot. Now I will welcome myself to a better place, where I can be without all of life." He talks quietly, but we can still hear it outside of his car.

The light remains at red, but he presses the gas pedal anyway. As almost in slow motion he drives into the intersection, where cars move about their day.

"I was dreamin' when I wrote this so sue me if I go too fast, But life is just a party and parties weren't meant to last...

War is all around us, my mind says prepare to fight, So if I gotta die, I'm gonna listen to my boy tonight." Brian sings slowly under his breath, saying the last word right as he hits the first car. His car flips over, landing on an innocent other's car. Horns blaze and screams round out, as we all watch the tragedy go down. I look to Micah, with my plan in mind, his face shows terror, but he nods anyway.

Letting go of DJ I walk into the wreck sight, my injury has disappeared, like it always does. As well as I can, I dodge the crashing cars. Crunching metal surrounds me, but I still move towards my destination.

I find it, the now almost completely combust car that I'd ridden in so many times. The passenger door had conveniently flown off, so I crawled in the small opening.

"Dad?" I ask, looking at him. His head and face is covered in blood and he sits in an un-human position. I touch his arm, trying not to cry.

His eyes open slightly, "Kami?" His voice is low and raspy, but it brings a smile to my face anyway.

"Daddy, it's me."

"Maile, what... what you doing here?"

"It's a long story, but it'll be okay."

"I'm...sorry, so sorry."

"It's okay, we can get you help, it'll be okay." I wait for his response, but his eyelids have closed again. "Daddy?!"

The car starts to fade away, forcing me to realize that it's over. I close my eyes and rest my head on his chest, waiting for reality to come back.