Crests and Troughs

Comfort Zone

Everything is falling apart.

But that's not how you felt a minute ago. That's not how you felt this morning with Darius.

That's why everything is falling apart.

She's not here and I'm okay. I was okay. I wasn't even thinking about her. I was focusing on myself. I wanted to feel better and that's all I was thinking about. She deserves better. She deserves to be remembered.

It's all my fault anyway. It's my fault she's in my past. I was- I am a coward.

I miss her.

Tears are burning your eyes.

I miss her.

Your face is twitching.

I miss her so fucking much.

Your nose tingles.

Léyon. Léyon, I miss you. I'm sorry for running away. I'm sorry for being your biggest fear personified. I'm sorry for betraying your trust. I'm sorry for being a coward when I knew you were already scared. I'm sorry. I wish I was bettet. I wish I was better. I wish I was better.

But she doesn't deserve me. It's not like I can text her and say all this. I can't just pull her back into my mess again; she deserves better.

"You're all I have, Des."

No.

"I don't want to put you on the spot but you are my favourite person in the whole wide world."

I can't take that responsibility, Léy. You can't give me that much power.

Oh my god I miss you so much, Léy. I wish, so very much, that I could be everything you needed. I wish I could be your crutch forever but I'm weak.

I'm weak. And, I lost myself in you. I made you my escape and I didn't express to you how much you meant - how much you mean - to me and now you think I never loved you. I'm sorry my demeanor is so stoic. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry. I don't want you to hate me anymore.

You pray to her as if she can hear you. You hope that she knows somehow because she always said you had a spiritual connection. You pretend she can read your mind like you did during your friendship because that's all you have right now. Your mind. Memories. You're stuck in your head again. And, you know it. You know it but you do nothing about it because action is hard and you're a passive person. Actively doing things takes a lot of energy that you're not used to. It's out of your comfort zone and you preserve your comfort at all costs. You're no different than you were with her. You haven't changed at all and you're not entirely sure you can. You want to, you do. Just not enough, apparently.

~~~
Song: Remember ~ Seinabo Sey ft. Jacob Banks

Dedicated to my probably-now-ex best friend. I'm so sorry, Jess.