Crests and Troughs

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"don't know if i even care for growing, if it's just alone."

Song of chapter: Growing Pains ~ Alessia Cara
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I have never felt lonelier than I do now.

When I was younger and had my lows, they made me feel like I didn't belong here.

But now, after finding real, pure, chaotic happiness and no longer having it, I can say the lows are negligible compared to the come down.

I'm so fucking lonely.

"D, are you crying?"

"Huh?"

After you had caught up with your favourite Betties, your JanayxCamillexIndigo fantasies helped you drift off to sleep.

But at around 05:08, you were roused and your thoughts took hold of you again. And that's all they were, thoughts. Thoughts that Léyon can't read.

You try to suck in your tears before they spill over and become real. You suck them up as far as possible then turn to face Jeremy with a small smile.

"Yeah, I'm just a little homesick."

I feel at home with you, you'd told her.

"Is there anything I can do to help? We can go to Timmy Yip if you want."

You chuckle.

"No, that's okay," you can tell he wants to insist, "Right now I miss the people, not the food."

You're not one to build unscaleable walls or to be defensive when people are kind. That's why you'd been so taken aback when Léyon had all but called you emotionally unavailable.

"You don't want to be with me, Des. You want me to be with you."

She'd let out a tiny sob.

"And the thing is, D, I didn't mind. I was happy with whatever I could get from you because sometimes you would only give me attention and it felt good. I had you all to myself and it felt good. You would listen to my problems and you would say the right things. You were always there for me. But anytime you were having it hard, you would disappear. Push me away. Like you're doing right now! Why won't you let me be there for you?!"

You mull over her words again because sometimes it's hard for you to understand her point when she vents. But it's always there. You just have to read it right.

"You read into our relationship a lot," she told you.

You knew that. It's how you kept track of who you were and what you wanted. It's how you kept track of who she was and what she wanted. It's how you always knew the right thing to say. It was the only way you knew how to live.

"Desirée," Jeremy slightly shook your arm. You feel your eyes uncross as they pull you out of your reverie and drag up to meet Jeremy's face.

"Are you here?"

"Yes," you nod.

"Good. Because I need your help."

"You're trying to distract me."

"That I am," he nods proudly, "Plus this'll actually help me too."

"Okay."

He begins wringing his hands then stares at into their nervousness for clarity when its apparent he has your full attention.