my split

chapter 2. the award shows(2013-2014)

the other members can see the pain behind my eyes.

i walk onto the stage to a crowd of hundreds of people; they dont scream my name, they scream jungkook and jimin. i smile and laugh, im upbeat and i try my best. i just want army to see me as a member. i envy jungkooks attention and i keep to myself when im not in the spotlight. now its been a few years since our debut i have little time to rest and to talk to my family. i haven't seen them since before the debut.

being an idol isn't what i thought it'd be.

every year the award shows come around. not a single award for us. for some reason we can't gain the respect from other artists. maybe i should just leave; if i left would the others do well?

we sit in the crowd hoping our name is called for an award and all i can think about is the hate comments

horse
untalented
bts is better off with out jhorse

namjoon puts his arm round my shoulder for comfort. he can see my pain and i can see his. jungkook is still young and i want to take the hate from him.

the award show ends and we go home empty handed again. i just hope we win soon. we get back to our dorms and its late, we're exhausted but jungkook and jimin still practice, still overwork themselves. yoongi is unseen and namjoon is reading more articles about us. all i can think of is the hate. it doesn't escape my mind; never its always there. even in my dreams it never leaves but gets worse. i wake up in the middle of the night sweating from nightmares. i just want the pain to end; i want to live the persona of j-hope. when im not on stage or in front of a camera i become jung hoseok. me and j-hope are almost two different people. j-hope is happy and doesn't care about others opinions whereas jung hoseok is quiet and is hurt easily by hate.