my split

chapter 3. our first award(2015)

we did it. our first award.

they didn't deserve it

how did jhorse get so far

and still the hate continues. jimin gave me some of his fanmail because i get none. i cried so much; he cares. at this point i think the hate will forever out do the love. the maknae line get all the love. my problems are nothing compared to yoongi; i feel bad for him. namjoon, yoongi and jin get so much more hate so im okay right? i should be grateful. even that doesn't stop the nightmares and the second voice that critics every little move i make.

i've noticed i am very critical with how i improve. i pick out every little detail; i want no i need to be perfect for army, for our fans.

i hear sobbing from the room next to me. its jimin.
"jimin what happened"
i walk in and hug him straight away
"tell me it all i will listen"

he sobs and rants into my arms. even he gets a lot of hate; we all suffer from it. it affects us all. i tell him it's okay and i take him to go to bed; its 4am.
"hyung you should sleep as well"
he tells me and i just smile, sleeping is painful now. i get 4 hours of sleep a week; i practice all night and day. sleep is my enemy and even my eating habits have become worse but im still happy infront of army. im still their sunshine and thats all that matters to me; is that army and the other members are okay.
while everyone sleeps peacefully i sit staring at the ceiling hoping for the hateful voice in my head to fade away but it doesn't it just gets louder as my surroundings get quieter.

"why cant i get away from it"

i scream in my head. tears stream down my face and soak my pillow. all i want is for it to go away. yoongi wakes up; maybe my sobbing woke him? he says nothing and comes to hug me
"its okay, i feel you"
he whispers and hugs me tightly. he falls asleep with a tight grip. now i've become yoongis' burden.