Jail changed Spencer Reid.
At first, it was just little things here and there. But then it got worse and worse until he was out of control.
Now, he's doing the things he spent his whole life stopping. And then he meets her. Will she be the one to...
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Content Warnings: self-hate, mentions of suicide, feeling hopeless, typical spencer woahs me, fingering, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, creampie, talks of using reader as bait, talks of murder.
Safe Chapter Recap: Spencer and Reader talk of Spencers tragic past.
My eyes burned from the bright sun that seeped into the motel bedroom. Her body still holding mine tightly. It was clear we hadn't moved in our sleep, and for that I was grateful. I'd never confessed the truth of what happened to me as a child to anyone. Not even my team. And it felt good to have it out there, even if it was just her who knew.
Y/N breathing was deep, a clear sign that she was still fast asleep. The clock on the night stand read 5:55 am, a sign some would say. But I didn't believe in signs. How could I when all my signs were ignored? I didn't even count the girl with her fingers in my hair as a sign.
Because no matter what, I didn't deserve her. I didn't deserve her fingers in my hair. I didn't deserve her kindness. I didn't deserve her trust.
Self deprecation. Something I've used my entire life. So that, when the other shoes finally fucking dropped, I was only able to blame myself.
Gideon leaving? My fault for being on drugs.
Elle leaving? My fault for not protecting her.
Maeve dying? My fault for keeping her a secret.
Migraines? My fault for not taking better care of myself.
Me being arrested and y/n living this life without me? My fault, my fault, my fault.
And the worst part? I hated that I cared. I hated that I wouldn't get my forever with her. I hated I'd never see her again. I knew she'd be better off without me. I could leave her now and turn myself in. Save her the heartache.
I could leave and put a gun to my temple in the desert. The vultures would get me before they had a chance to find me. Sure, it'd hurt her. But she'd greave me and move on.
"I can hear your over thinking from here," her soft voice cut through my intrusive thoughts. Her fingers scratching at my scalp while she spoke. "I'm not going to leave you."
I sighed, "you have to know you deserve better."
She shrugged, "do I? Because if I 'knew' I deserved better, I wouldn't have come with you." She kissed my head.
She was only 25 and now had a record. Because of me. Her hands gripped my hair, pulling it so I would look at her. She smiles softly, her features being highlighted by the soft morning sun. She was radiant. Kind. My heart swelled with the love I possessed for this woman. She was everything. And she was mine. All mine. My favorite crime.
"You need to stop telling yourself this is your fault. It's not. It's their fault." I knew who she was referring too. The mix that was my parents and my team. The ones who broke me down and shaved away ever little piece of light that once shone bright inside me. The light that was now nothing more than a waxing crescent.
