The Redamancy of Shade and Art (BOOK 2)

Chapter 9

Apparently, Mom and Dad left. Mom was back in Singapore, and Dad in Nueva Ecija.​

Ate Lynn approached him cautiously, as Shade was in the middle of sneaking food from the kitchen to his room and wolfing it down.

He tensed, expecting to be reprimanded. The kitchen was too bright. And the sun made him feel criminal. He usually waited for nighttime to eat, but he couldn't stand the growl of his stomach tonight. He wasn't used to going hungry.

Instead, with a kind hand, Ate Lynn touched his shoulder. Shade still flinched.

"Hijo," she said, "there's food on the table."

Shade blinked. His arms were filled with bread.

She dropped her voice, "Ma'am and Sir aren't here."

Shade nodded slowly. It took... ten seconds for him to understand that.

Ate Lynn took the loaves of bread from his arms.

"Kumain ka nang maayos. Eat properly." She guided him from the fridge to the dining table, with a stern hand on his shoulder.

Shade sat. And then he felt stupid. Like he was a child. He looked up at Ate Lynn, who's been here for him since he was eleven years old, and who was still here. It didn't count, obviously, she was paid to be here, and she was paid to look after him but still—

Ate Lynn left him for a bit. And when she came back, she carried pancakes and pork tocino.

She placed the food in front of him and nudged the plate of pancakes closer to him. "Paborito mo 'to, diba?" (("This is your favorite, isn't it?"))

When Shade looked up at the kindness of her face, the age in there, the tenderness, most especially...

Shade broke down crying again. He couldn't—couldn't stop it. The surprise that came with being treated so gently. The unfamiliarity of it, especially when he was inside this stupid fucking house—

Ate Lynn didn't step away, even when Shade's tears turned ugly and his sobs horrible. And he flinched again when she put both hands on both his shoulders, massaging him lightly, relaxing the knots of his muscles—

"Tahan na," she whispered. And then Shade didn't expect her to hold him, the same way she did when he tried to hurt himself when he was much younger. But he was crying, and she held him, and Shade felt so bad yet better at the same time.

Her words were butter yellow.

And the tears in Shade's eyes were from the ocean.

~

Shade took a proper shower.

After a while, even Shade couldn't stand the stickiness of his skin and the aching weariness of his bones. He dragged himself out of the heaven and hell that was his bed. It was night when he decided to take a shower, but it didn't matter because the time of the days were blending together. They were becoming nothing but colors of the sky, and time was an endless void Shade found himself floating in.

But he was in the shower. He walked there with footsteps that barely echoed on the pristinely white floor. He went into the shower and...

Shade groaned as he peeled away his shirt. He held it to his nose for a minute and frowned.

Jesus fucking Christ.

He stripped his clothes away, threw them into a corner, and stepped into the shower. He set it just right, standing there and taking slow breaths as the water slid down his head to his back, to his legs and to his feet.

After some time... the exhaustion began to seep in. Shade couldn't help but sit down on his stupid bathroom floor under the heat of water. He held his own body close, muttering apologies to his bones and remorse to his arms.

You're so difficult to take care of.

Shade counted the seconds until he rose to wash his hair. (Three-hundred and twenty-seven.) Robotic, stiff movements. His finger joints seemed to ache, too, and he winced as he untangled strands that had tied themselves into knots.

He dimly remembered he needed a haircut.

And then he thought of Art... for the first time in days... It didn't feel appropriate to think of them in the haziness of his gloom. But the thought of them was so surprising he had to sit down again—

I like your hair when its long.

Putang ina, they couldn't see him like this.

Beautiful and lovely and alive Art Mendoza couldn't see Shade when he was...

This. On the bathroom floor. Staying in bed so he didn't try to kill himself no matter how many times he thought of it. And itched to try it.

And then his body came next. Shade poured a gracious amount of soap into his hands as he lathered. Shade took his time, muttering his heartfelt apologies from his hands to his toes. He said sorry to his stomach, too, and he heard it growl angrily in response. And then to his tired back from lying down. His legs from lack of use. Shade felt himself wince under the bubbles of soap, under the heat, under the shower of regrets, and the lack of effort to live.

But...

Shade breathed in deeply. He took his time to scrub off the grime and the guilt and hopefully the pain. He stood there scrubbing until his skin was dark red and sore, until his arms grew tired, and until he felt guilty about using so much water.

He looked himself in the mirror for the first time in days.

Shade brushed his teeth. He took his time.

He met his own eyes in the mirror.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

His reflection did not say anything.

~

Sheepishly, Ate Lynn taught Shade how to sweep his room the next morning.

She wasn't mean about it, especially when Shade had to process her words for an extra five seconds. But he managed. And he was feeling so good about it that he even found the energy to make his bed afterwards. And then he even brushed his teeth again. And rinsed his face clean.

He looked at the tangled together medals.

At the certificates that were taken out of their frames.

And he just...

Shade neatly tucked them away in a box.

He'd hang them up again when he was ready.

And when he found purpose in them.

One day at a time.

- -
hi!! a short, healing chapter for the mess i uploaded last week hehehe. the story gets lighter and better after this :]

i've been feeling weird about this story, especially after i wrote this huge, depressing chunk. ever since i've been on antidepressants, i've found that i don't need s/a/c as a crutch to process my feelings and experiences anymore. which is great, and surprising, but it's giving me a hard time writing lmaO

i hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! i'm sorry i don't reply as frequently to comments as i used to. i've just been feeling weird lately. i thought it would go away in a week... but it's been pretty persistent for a month.

i hope you guys are doing okay. thank you all so much for your support, patience, and kindness.

love,
yana