The Badass Nerd

Flings and PJs

I saw his eyes turn from adoration and love to hurt and confusion. I really didn't want to do this but I have to explain myself. It's obvious, even to him, that I am attracted towards him. He took a few steps backwards and I immediately missed his warmth and comfort. 

"But why? I know you know I like you. You told me that I confessed when I barged in your room the other day. You know how I feel about you and I was of the impression that you feel the same way about me." He said with hurt clear in his eyes.
"I do Gray. I do feel the same way. I like you but that's the problem. I don't know how to say it." I said fumbling with my words. I looked down and tapped my legs nervously.
"It's alright Claire. Just say it. I can take it."
"I am sorry Gray but I can't trust you. You have no idea how much I want to but I can't. You have a reputation of a playboy; someone who is only interested in casual relationships and I thought I wanted that too. But I started liking you; more than I should have for a fling. I like you a lot and I really want to be with you but I am afraid of getting hurt. And I can't ask you right away because I am not sure if I really know you." I said and he looked at me with a blank expression.
"Olivia, that will happen with everyone you talk to. Every stranger that comes in your life, you have to trust some of your secrets, some of your personal life with them so they can share some stuff with you too. That's how you build trust."
"I understand that Gray and on some level I am ready to do that. But before I could even open up to you, I started liking you more than I ever thought I was capable of. But you have reputation Carter; in your last school and this one as well and it's not a good one."
"So that's it? You are going to judge me with my past?" He said his voice on the edge.
"No, never. I am not going to judge you with your past but I need time to process your present. I need time to believe that you are not your past anymore." I said and he stayed still processing whatever I said.
"Is there any other way?" He asked at me, more like whispered. I pondered about it for a while but even I didn't know what he could do.
"I don't know Gray." I said quietly.
"How long will it take for you to trust me?" He said after a while.
"You can't rush me. I am sorry but this is something I have to do on my own." I said and looked down. I thought he would say something but after staring at me for five seconds or so, he left without any explanation.

I started cleaning the kitchen without thinking about whatever happened because if I did, I will convince myself with any reasoning possible that what I did was wrong and I should take everything back. I know I was right. I can't date him or be his girlfriend while thinking about if he is cheating on me with someone else or not. I can't do that because that would be much more painful, for both me and him. I am aware that Carter told me things that I am pretty sure he wouldn't tell anyone. He took care of me when I was drunk, he understands me and most importantly, he is a gentleman. But those things are not enough for me. And I can't have that kind of relationship that takes a huge toll on me. Not again. 

I went back to my home after cleaning as much as I can. Obviously, I wasn't prepared for a food war and hence I was out of cleaning supplies. I made a mental note to carry some the next time I go in the shop. Carter's laughing face flashed in front of me when he dumped the flour on me. A smile crept on my face involuntarily and I chuckled at our childishness. I don't even remember when was the last time I had this much fun. I haven't laughed like that in a long time and it felt good to let lose. It felt good to not care about the after effects and just live in the moment. Carter's shocked face popped in my head when I put eggs in his head. I have heard that eggs are good source for protein even if you apply it directly in your hair so he will probably have shiny hair tomorrow at school. He looked so cute jumping up and down when I put ice inside his shirt. He looked like a small baby who is scared of a puppy. A chuckled escaped through my lips and betrayed my attempt to remain unaffected by what happened. I kept thinking if we will ever have this kind of fun again. Even when Mark started dating Emma, he never let me feel alone. He came to the bakery to help me out with cooking, he appreciated my skills and respected my work and my ethics. Carter's hurt expression came in my head and shrugged it off in annoyance. I like him and to know that he was hurting because of me was just a kick in the nuts. I wanted to be the reason for his smile but after today, I don't think that's happening. I knew I was right but I also knew that understanding my side of the story will not be easy for him. It might happen that he never does understands my perspective and that thought broke me. I wanted him to wait for me until I trust him enough to say yes to us but I knew that would be selfish for me to ask. He has the right to be happy but so do I. It felt really tiring and depressing just thinking about it.