Follow You Into The Dark - Shane Walsh [ the walking dead ]

Chapter Thirty-Tree

This world wasn't the same.

The choices I made, put me here in this position. On this spot right here. I couldn't blame anyone but myself, I pulled the trigger for the third time that night, killing a person. A human being. This was strike four. I felt so bad that the blood on my clothes, reminded me of the person I have turned into. I was now a killer, I was now someone who had blood on my hands. Perhaps, it was innocent blood tonight, but I would never know because I robbed the chance of those people to tell me if they were innocent from taking another's one life or stealing someone's soul. The only thing I could do was live with the choices I made, it wasn't easy and sleep was going to fail me more and more, I have my conscience heavy from what I did. But I questioned myself if I didn't kill those people tonight, what was going to happen to the group I called family back at the farm. Not only we had to protect ourselves from the walkers and the disease that fell upon us, but we also had to protect ourselves from the bad people out there.

But how different I was from them now?

Before the car could stop, I cleared my throat.

'' Can we please not discuss what I did back there? '' It was like something was clothing my throat, not being able to speak. But I had to ask. I wasn't ready to face the judgment of the group while I had my own to face every day from now on.

'' You did what you had to do, so we could all come back '' Hershell spoke.

'' It still doesn't feel right '' I pressed my fingers together until they turned white.

'' Im afraid it never will ''

I hoped for Rick to say something, since he was a policeman I was hoping for his words of encouragement or at least, his word on not telling anyone from the group. But he kept his mouth shut and left the car as soon as we parked outside the white house farm.

Looking into my mom's eyes was going to be more and more difficult . I already didn't speak much because I was afraid of her finding out about Otis, but Otis was an accident. No matter the context , I still had robbed a man's life. This time tho, it was intentional, I aimed to kill them. I got out of the car, as everyone around the farm circulated us. Hershell although left right away to check on Beth .

'' Hija, are you okay? '' My mom hugged me tightly, as I took a small glimpse towards Rick who has his jaw locked.

'' Im alright mom, im going to change '' I left them and walked to my tent. Not paying any mind to Shane who watched my every move.

I sat on my sleeping bag, closing my eyes.

'' You ever consider a lighter touch? Abandoning the search for Sophia, taking out the walkers in the barn, lying to Lori today--those were all the right calls. It's your presentation that leaves something to be desired '' I heard Andrea's voice outside my tent, close by. At first I was confused about who she was talking too , until I heard his voice.

'' Dale send you? ''

''  I see you pushing everyone away. For what? They need you ''

I could feel that something had happened at the farm while we were gone. I remained silent and quiet as I eavesdropped on their conversation.

'' Huh. I'll always be the odd man out--the same as you ''

''  I've made my peace ''

'' Have you? The way I see it, you and me, we--we're treated the same way. Everyone's always trying to take the gun out of your hand. These folks--they want to play house. They wanna pretend that Rick, and Hershel--they know what they're doing lemme tell you something--they bound to get us all killed '' Shane spoke with hatred.

'' Then we have to stop that  ''

'' They don't listen. But you and me, we--we're the only ones who see it coming. I should've left with you when I had the chance ''

He what ? Tears filled my eyes as I heard his words . Rage filled my veins, I knew it was a mistake trusting him. I took my clothes off and opened the sleeping bag , I wasn't going to be able to be in the same space as him , and I couldn't stand my own thoughts . So I decided to try and get some sleep, tomorrow I would deal with all of my problems , right now , I just wanted to be left alone and shut my brain for a few hours .

Once I regained conscience , the sky was still dark but the blue on it was starting to get lighter , which meant it was almost sunrise . I grabbed my knife and put my boots on once again and walked to the well to fetch some water so I could clean my face . The water was icy cold, and my hands were still covered in blood and some broken glass. I took what I had off of me and tied my hair up high . I needed to go on a walk before everyone was awake. I grabbed an apple and I walked further and further from the farm. Almost a mile out , I could still see the house , but I knew they wouldn't be able to see me . Sitting on the grass , I took a bite from the apple , as I looked at the sky that still had shiny stars . The moon couldn't be seen from where I was, but it was still peaceful.

'' Thought it was you coming all the way here, whatcha doing so far off? '' The hurter asked, as he threw his crossbow to the ground and took a seat right beside me.

'' Thinking I guess ''

'' You been doing that a lot lately '' He almost grunted the response.

'' There is a lot to think about '' I chuckled, playfully.

'' Yeah? '' He bit his thumb, as he looked at the grass .

'' Hm humm ''

'' You wanna share? ''

The deal with Daryl was that no matter the topic of conversation, he would always listen . He didn't judge you , but he did say what he thought . And he never left me , even when I vented some pretty awful things. Like what had happened with Otis, I knew he would understand because at that moment we're both worried and with our hands tighten because of a kid.

'' I had to kill some people yesterday, and one of 'hem was a kid . Not much older than me, he was injured and we we're running out of time to get out of there. Rick wanted to help him...but in the end, I told them I would do it . It's just..''

'' You struggling because you killed him '' I nodded.

'' You could have died , ya'll could have . And what if ya'll brought the kid here and his people came for him ? We could be facing a war .''

'' Rick wanted to save him , he hasn't spoke to me after that . I'm afraid that he's gonna judge me for what I did ya know ? ''

'' What if he does? You saved his kid , you saved his ass yesterday. He should be grateful '' He knocked his shoulder with me , making me instantly chuckle .

'' Don't worry too, cause I got your back D' ''

'' And I got yours A' ''