part of me (billie dean howard x reader)

chapter seventeen

chapter seventeen - i miss her
authors note : this is billies pov

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i miss her. i miss her so much. i haven't seen her in four months since i went to the restaurant. so much has happened. i divorced my husband for starters, and it's been eleven months since me and y/n broke up. i can remember it like it was yesterday. i loved- love, her so much. i wanted to do what she asked me, but i'm a coward. i don't face my problems, i push them to the side and hope someone else will find a way to fix them for me.

she was so angry that day at the restaurant, and rightfully so. i came into her life, destroyed it and then left. i should've fought harder for her. i should've left him when i had the chance, before we broke up. but i didn't.

i told him i wanted a divorce a few weeks after i saw her at the restaurant. he was so devastated, and it broke me.

'is there someone else?'

'it's- i- i can't explain it. it's complicated.'

'okay.' he muttered and signed the papers.

'i'll always love you billie, but i want you to be happy. even if it means i can't have you.'

he was a good guy. but i was living a lie. i didn't love him romantically, i don't even like any men romantically. but i broke his heart. just like y/n's. i'm like a fucking walking bulldozer.

i walked to the kitchen and poured myself a vodka seltzer and grabbed a cigarette. after me and stephen divorced, i rented a penthouse in the city and moved there, letting him have the house.

i missed her so much. i missed everything about her. the scent of her shampoo, the way she smiled when i did something i knew she would like, whether it be shopping in the city or bringing her out for dinner. the way she made puppy eyes at me when she wanted me to come home earlier. i want to hold her in my arms, and tell her how much i love her. i fucked everything up.

all i wanted was to call her and tell her that i finally did it, but she blocked me the night we broke up. i didn't do it in time. she wasn't mine anymore. but she would always be a part of me.