After the End

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Before anyone could stop him, Dean was out the door, gun in his hand. Forget not being able to kill his own father, John Winchester was a dead man. Dean hadn't felt this kind of rage since he was a teenager, the day John sent him away and lied to Sam about it. Even then, it didn't compare to how angry he was now. He ignored the protests from Jo as he stormed outside, no idea where he was going. John could be anywhere by now, but Dean couldn't sit around and wait for something to happen.

By the time Sam caught up with him, Dean was already past the point of trying to stop. He couldn't be convinced to slow down, or think about what he was doing. Nothing mattered except finding Cas. "Dean, what happened?" Sam demanded, grabbing Dean's shoulder to stop him. Dean gripped his gun in his right hand so hard, his knuckles turned white and his hand started to go numb. "What is it?" Sam repeated, pushing Dean back as Dean tried to get out of his grip.

"He took Cas," Dean said, because that was the only explanation needed. That was all that mattered. Cas was gone and Dean was going to find him.

"Dean, wait," Sam sighed, stepping in front of Dean to keep him from walking away. "Let's just think about this for a second. We have no idea where dad took him. We should find Bobby and come up with a plan, then we can split up and look for Cas," he suggested, but Dean didn't really get any of what he said.

"Sam, he took Cas!" Dean yelled, grabbing the front of his brother's shirt. "Either help me, or get the hell out of my way!" He should have felt guilty for the scared look on Sam's face, but he couldn't find it in him to care.

"Dean, I know you care about him and want to find him, but you can't just wander around hoping to run into dad. There has to be a better way," Sam retorted, grabbing both of Dean's shoulders despite Dean's tight grip on Sam's shirt. Now they were both stuck there in each other's grip, unable to go anywhere until someone gave in. Dean could easily get out of Sam's grip, but he didn't want to hurt his little brother. If it came to it, he'd do what he had to in order to get to Cas, but he really didn't want Sam getting caught in the middle. This was between Dean and John.

"You don't understand, Sammy," Dean choked out, his voice softer now as the anger faded to the background, Dean's worry and hopelessness taking the front seat. "It's more than that. I can't lose him. I can't go back to the way things were before I met him. I thought I was okay back then, but being with Cas has made me realize just how fucking miserable I was. You were the only reason I stayed alive, Sam. But Cas- he means everything to me. If he dies, I'll never forgive myself. I should have been able to protect him."

"Dean, this isn't your fault," Sam tried to convince him, the same way he'd always talk to Dean after their dad did something unforgivable, like hurt Sammy. Dean always felt responsible, as the older brother and the one who practically raised Sam, when John got his hands on Sam. Dean always wanted to protect him, to take the blows so Sam wouldn't have to. When he failed at protecting him, Dean felt as if he failed as Sam's brother. Sam, even at a young age, would try to reassure him that it wasn't his fault. John was angry. John was drunk. John missed Mary. There was always a reason that it wasn't Dean's fault, but Dean never bought it.

"It doesn't matter who's fault it is, Sam," Dean answered, to avoid the pity. Dean would blame himself no matter what. "I just need to find him. The last time I saw him. . ." he trailed off, remembering how worried Cas was for Dean's safety. He had told Dean he loved him and Dean brushed him off. Cas knew Dean loved him, sure, but he still didn't say it back. "Look, just move out of my way so I can find him."

"Okay," Sam whispered, still holding Dean's shoulders, making no move to let him go anytime soon. "I'll help, but let's do this the smart way." Dean was too distracted to think there was any other way than to storm around the entire span of the forest until he found Cas. Sam had better ideas. "Let's summon Crowley and make an official deal. Cas' safety for John's soul."