possession || eremika/jeankasa (completed)

guilt

"i love you, mikasa."

she stayed silent.

"i love you. i've always loved you. i used to dream about being your husband one day. i didn't think i was enough for you. you never made a move on me. you never gave me any hints that you were interested like that. you've told me before, we're just like family.  i suggested you should be with someone like jean because i thought it'd make you happy. i regret saying that. he's had a part of your body that can't be returned now. i'm jealous. and i'm blaming myself for not telling you the truth. i thought saying i'd slept with someone would light something inside you, jealously. i thought maybe you'd finally tell me you want me. when you didn't, i thought it was hopeless. i love you. i love you and i want you, mikasa."

she was overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. she felt guilty for jean.

"mikasa, i want you. you don't need jean. i'll give you everything."

"i owe him an apology," mikasa said.

eren looked at her, confused. "why?"

"i left him in my house and came to you. he likes me. he's kind to me," she began before eren cut her off.

anger filled his voice. "he'll be fine, it will be fine. he'll understand."

"i still want to apologize—" she said. "he deserves that."

"okay." he replied as if in defeat.

minutes passed in silence.

"do you love me?" eren asked her.

"what?"

"i told you i loved you. do you love me?" he asked.

mikasa froze. of course she loves him. she loves him more than anything, more than herself. she'd sacrifice the world for him. if it were the end, she'd run away just to spend the time they had left together.

she wasn't sure if she was ready to tell him that. he lied to her. i guess i'm not innocent, either. she thought. 

"do you, mikasa?" he asked again.

she wrapped her arms around him.

"i do love you, eren." i always have. "but it's more than just words. it's complicated."

"why is it complicated?" he mumbled.

"it just is. you know that."

minutes later, she heard eren lightly snoring on her. she tried to fall asleep as well, but was kept awake with the feeling of guilt.

she liked jean. she liked how gentle he was, how kind. she liked the way he talked to her. he prioritized her, valued her. he'd been close to her for years, complimenting, admiring, adoring her.

— but she loved eren. she loved the memories they had, he loved the way he touched her, the way he made her laugh.

she couldnt kept but feel betrayal. betrayal and guilt. it overwhelmed her and stung at her heart like salt in a wound. eren deceived her. she would have never pushed a relationship with jean if she knew the truth. she thought loving eren was hopeless. she'd believed that for years but never truly comprehended it until she thought he'd found someone else.

she shifted uncomfortably underneath eren as he slept. he looked peaceful. she leaned her head closer to his. his hair smelled of pine. she sighed deeply, closing her eyes.

idiot. she thought, chewing on the inside of her cheek.

out of the nineteen years she'd been alive, eren was by her side for fifteen. her best friend, her rock. she used to threaten the older boys who teased him when they were kids. they'd have sleepovers, playdates, study sessions. they celebrated birthdays and holidays together. they were close, they always had been.

her mind wandered to all of the chances he had to make a move on her.

christmas, when they were fifteen. they stepped under the mistletoe together. everyone teased them, pressured them to kiss. eren seemed disgusted, so mikasa put on a facade and played along.

when they were twelve, they played little games, like mash. they'd decide each other's futures. once, when mikasa was listed as his wife, he giggled and told her that was gross. they were young, but it stuck with her.

when they were sixteen, they had a sleepover. a normal occurrence, but something sparked in mikasa.  he'd fallen asleep in her bed rather than on the couch in the living room. she let him, dozing off herself. when she woke up, her body was pressed against his, his lips close to her neck, his hands laid on her chest. she panicked, and slept on the floor without waking him. she struggled to fall asleep, shuddering at the idea of his body on hers. technically, he can't make a move when he's asleep. but it still made her tremble. she thought about it for days afterwards. she'd daydream about it, letting her mind run wild. she fantasized about everything she wishes would've happened that night. in reality, she was too young, too shy, to allow it to happen. but she could dream, and she did.

mikasa imagined him sliding his hand in her panties, kissing her neck as they laid in the dark. he'd tell her how beautiful she was while he curled his fingers inside her. he'd admire every inch of her body. she thought about how she'd grip his hair as his tongue penetrated her. it made her body shake to think about.

when she bathed, she'd touch herself and imagine it was him. she prayed he'd walk in on her by accident and join, pleasuring her in all the ways she dreamed about.

friendship is awkward when you're constantly imagining sleeping with them, don't get her wrong, but she could not help herself. it was her guilty pleasure — her desires. it was always on the back of her mind.

mikasa snapped back into reality and looked at the sleeping boy. she wanted to hold him. kiss him. feel his lips against her skin, but she couldn't bring herself to doing it. she gently slipped from underneath him and left. the door creaked as she shut it behind her.

she unlocked her phone as she walked.

-

mika: hey, can we talk?

jean: yeah. now?

mika: come back over.

jean: omw

mika: i'll be in my room, come right in.

-

she felt her anxiety rise as she sat on the edge of her bed. jean would be there any minute. words flew around her mind.

what do i say? she asked herself, fiddling with her hands.

her door opened slowly, and the brown haired boy stood in the entrance staring at her. he had a sullen look on his pale face. he stepped closer and stopped in front of her. she stood and faced him. 

"lis—" she began, before he abruptly cut her off.

"you love eren," he whispered. "that's why you chased him out and left me."

she was at a loss for words. she nodded her head softly. "i don't know, jean. i'm sorry."

he shook his head at her and turned away.

"jean, im sorry." she begged.

nothing.  he left.

she sighed deeply and tossed herself on the bed. moments later, her phone vibrated.

-

eren: why did you leave?

she stared at the screen in silence for a moment. 

mika: i needed to do something.  i'm sorry.

eren: will you come back?

-

will she come back? it didn't feel like a good idea, but god, she craved to be in someone's arms.

-

mika: okay. ill be there soon.