Even If We Want, We Can't

Chapter 5

Elha's POV

"That's bonkers!" Freddy said raising his perfectly arched eyebrows.  I leaned on my chair.

"You have learned quite so much English." I chuckled. Freddy brushed his collar in pride. Then he sat straight on the chair across the table.

"So? Now that you know, do you think you guys can.....you know." Freddy waved his hands in circle. I shook my head. I have never really  thought about it. 

"No, the time has passed. We've moved on. And it's not possible." I said looking at him. I really didn't want to go in depth of the matter. There are some rules which is beyond me and it is there for a reason. 

"Are you planning to be friends with him?" Freddy said. He is the only person in the world to ask me direct questions which my parents don't even dare to. I shrugged.

"I don't think so. You know. I don't think I will be able to take it. We have to keep in contact, now that  I have been to his sister's wedding. His mother has been calling me every weekend since then." I said with a sad smile. 

"You know you have quite a sadistic personality on you." He said smirking at me. I smirked back. 

"So I have been told." I said.

"He's been through a lot. Which think of it...gives me chills." Freddy said and rubbed his arms. 

"It's gonna be awkward to work. As in everyone at his office knows about his divorce" I finger quoted divorce. 

"That's fine. You guys can be friends you know.  He seems like a stupidly good person with no brains at all in wordly matter. perfect friend for you." Freddy smirked and ducked his head as I threw a ball of tissue at him. 

"YOu are stupid as well." I said. Freddy was about to come back with a witty comeback when my eyes found Ayaaz standing in front of the cafeteria. There wasn't any people other than the ones who were in the meeting. It is not even lunch hour. Freddy's eyes followed mine and he waved Ayaaz to join us. I kicked him on the leg. I pretended that it didn't bothered him. 

"Hey, boss. Mind joining us?" Freddy said flashing Ayaaz a smile. Ayaaz looked sceptical. I nodded at him. He gave freddy a tight lipped smile and joined beside Freddy. 

"Ayaazz Rahman." Ayaaz said in his deep voice. Freddy grinned like stupid. 

"Oh I know you too well." Freddy said and I threw him daggers. "I'm Freddy, by the way."  Ayaaz nodded.

"How are you finding our office? I'm sorry but we don't really play by the formal rules here. You must find rather odd." Freddy said slapping his hand on Ayaaz's back. I bit back a chuckle. 

"It's....a bit odd. But nothing to worry." Ayaaz said. Then he looked at us.

"Ayaaz, um... no one except Freddy know about my past with you, so I'd appreciate if we keep it that way?" I said. Ayaaz's piercing blue eyes looked at me intensely, then nodded. 

"Why weren't you at your parents place last weekend?" Ayaaz said and my eyes went wide.

"How......did they.....did you??" I couldn't find any words. Ayaaz looked uncomfortable. Freddy just put his cheek on his hand like an eager child. I wanted to punch him.

"They....um.......my parents didn't take no for an answer so I had to join them." He said. I felt a sudden anger emerging on my stomach. My parents did't even bothered to inform me. Glad I didn't go for the dinner. 

"They are doing the thing again." I muttered under my breath. 

"I should have decline the invitation. Don't be mad at them." Ayaaz tried to reason me. But I was in no state. Last time they did the same. Shoved us towards each other and it only pulled us apart. 

"I should excuse myself." Freddy said as we got up I shook my head and Ayaaz nodded. I sighed.

"Bathroom. Really." Freddy said as he scrunched his nose. I know he has a low tolerance. I nodded and he almost ran. 

"Look, Elha, they are not trying to do anything. Our parents have always been close. Before we got married both of us used to attend for dinner. They just want to feel the sense of familiarity." Ayaaz said looking down at his lap.

"Somethings can never be put back to the old place. This should be the new normal for our famililes. It has been for past five years.  I can't walk on the shoe." I said as I felt a lump on y throat. Ayaaaz looked at me with sad eyes. He's again blaming himself. 

"Don't Ayaaz, don't do this to yourself." I said. He just shook his head.  

"Just for once in my life I want to do something without hurting anyone. Just for once. I don't know anything, Elha. Someone should tell me what is good for everyone. Clearly I don't have any idea how to save my loved one from pains." He said very slowly. MY heart pained for him. 

"You have achieved so much in your life, Ayaaz. Despite your pain you have become a successful man. You can't always save everyone. You have to drop the hero act. You need to accept that, you can't please everyone. At least one people will get hurt. Just look our marriage for example. When you married me, you pleased your family, but I got hurt. There is no way you can stop sorrow from one's life." I told it. Yes, he did hurt me. He knows it. There is no need to tip toe around it.  Ayaaz gave me a silent apology.

"It's time Ayaaz. Think for yourself. What do you want? I have figured out what I want from life, for now at least. Even though I'm not getting it, I'm trying for it. If one day I get. I'll look for something else I want. You should do it too."  I said. Ayaaz sighed. 

"I wanted success. I wanted to be successful enough so that people won't talk about our failed marriage. I wanted to be successful enough to forget my inability to......to...to never parent a child." Ayaaz said with difficulty. 

"Did you think about what I said on Zarin's wedding?"  I said. Ayaaz nodded. 

"I don't know." He said meekily.

"Then come with me and Freddy after office. We are gonna visit an orphan age. Then a caring home for pregnant mothers who want a safe house for their unborn child." I said. Ayaaz looked doubtful.

"Think about it. For once think only about  yourself.  It's a weird but amazing feeling." I smiled.

"Exactly. That's the principal of my life." Freddy emerged from nowhere and took his seat beside me. 

" He has narcissistic personality disorder. " I said. 

"I have been diagnosed and am well." He said patted his chest. Ayaaz chuckled. 

"So you going with us?" Freddy said as he sipped on water..

"How long have you been listening?" I poked my elbow at his ribs.

"I never left, Darling." He gave me dreamy eyes and I shook my head in disbelieve. 

Ayaaz looked at us with a smile. My heart skipped a beat. He better not think something else about us.