Even If We Want, We Can't

Chapter 6

Elha's POV

 "I'm glad you joined us." I smiled at Ayaaz who stood uncomfortably beside me. 

"You are gonna love here." Freddy said as unloaded box of goods from the back of his car. Every time we visit. We try to bring something for the kids. 

"I should have brought something." Ayaaz said as he picked up a box from Freddy. 

"It's alright. It's from all of us." I smiled as we walked into the office. 

"There is my favourite donors" Ms. Simpson. Freddy and I smiled. 

"This is Ayaaz." I said to Ms. Simpson. Didn't feel like to give him any title. She smiled. 

"If you don't mind we'll have a look at the kids?" I said as my heart started to beat faster. Then we walked to the play area where the kids are. Freddy walked in and I stood outside the door as the door shut in our face. I peeked through the squar glass space on the metal door. 

"Aren't you gonna go inside?" Ayaaz said following my gaze. I shook my head.

"No, I never do. It feels like too much. Too much to get attached to a kid when I know my application will again be rejected." I said my voice cracked. I didn't even bother to look at Ayaaz. 

"How'd you pick a kid then?" Ayaaz said looking at the kids with a soft smile.

"When I'll have enough money to even make it on the list of applicants, then I'll pick one." I said.

"Is there a story behind this?" Ayaaz said. I nodded.

"There was this Latin girl. She was 2 years old. I adored her and wanted to adopt her. But my application got rejected. She got adopted 2 weeks after that. Even though it broke my heart, I was glad that she got a home." I smiled as tears started to threatening my eyes. 

"If I help you financially will it do any good?" Ayaaz said and I chuckled drily.

"First help yourself, Ayaaz. I brought you today to find a new purpose  in your life. You are a successful man. You can try for it." I said as I looked at the boy with glasses who was talking to Freddy eagerly.

"Still didn't get in?" said Ms Simpson from behind. I blinked rapidly to push back my tears.

"Same as old" I shrugged. 

"And you didn't even let your friend in?" Ms Simpson gave me a soulful look. I shook my head. Ayaaz is not my friend. He's my ex husband. 

"I think I'm good." Ayaaz gave a formal smile. Freddy came out of the room, looking flushed and happy.

"Kids love you Freddy." Ms Simpson said.

"I have been telling you guys for ages to adopt a kid together. I feel really sorry for you , Hon." said Mrs. Hollansd, another caregiver. I laughed.

"My girlfriend will kill me." Freddy said dramatically.

"You don't have a girlfriend, Fred." I laughed.

"I could have and I'm not ready for a child." Freddy said as he peeped into the room through the glass.

"Elha, Hon. Don't loose hope. I'm sure one day you'll find your light which will keep you warm and happy." said Mrs Holland and I sadly smiled at her. I wish I had all the moneys in the world.

"We'll take our leave, then. Please keep my application on consideration. I might get a promotion." I winked the last part. Ms. Simpson smiled and we left the building with heavy hearts.

"YOu want to visit Flowerbed?" Freddy said and I nodded. It was a small walk to the carehome. We walked in silence. Everytime I leave the orphanage, my heart gets heavey and light at the same time. I wish I could tell the authoirty, even though I don't have much, I'll love that child. I'll him/ her so much that they won't have any doubt that I don't qualify for it. 

As soon as we entered the Flowerbed carehome, my heart clenced. Even though I call it a carehome, it is actually a rehab for pregnant woman. Some addicted woman carelessly got pregnant, you bring her here. Let her be sober for 9 months then tell her to decide if she wants the child or not. I have seen too many abortions here to cry in the night for straight one month. 

You ask me why I come here, because this is the only place where the authority will let me adopt a baby, with my qualifications.  But the iorny is, even in here I am not  qualified. Ayaaz looked uncomfortable. We heard screaming form a distance. I shut my eyes closed and walked to wards the office. 

"Hello, Ms. Ahmed." said Mr Ford with a tight smile. He hates me. I have been coming here for past three years. He is sick of my application. But I can't help. 

"Hello, Mr Ford. I came to check in." I smiled politely. 

"No use." He said curtly which was a stab in the heart.

"Hey, Ford, this is Ayaaz, he wants to know about the procedure of your work." Freddy said casually leaning onto Ford's desk.

"It's confidential, I need you two to wait outside." Ford said Freddy forwned.

"We already know." Freddy said. But if ther eonly one person in the world who could say no to Freddy is Ford. I gave Ayaaz an assuring nod and stepped outside.

"Mrs. Holland is always suggesting us to adopt one." Freddy chuckled. 

"You don't want a kid with me." I said as I sat on the chair. 

"Sure I not. But someone will. I'll be honest Elly. It looks like both of you have been stuck in 5 years  back." Freddy said as he sat beside me.

"You didn't see me five years back Freddy. Living in a name of marriage, where we never talked to each other, other than bills, slept in separate rooms and at the end of the year we just let each other go. I read too many cliché books to believe that somehow it will work for us. I was freaking 19. It didn't. Real life is no book. It was only a year. I tried. I really tried to make small talk with him. But he was closed book. I stupidly fell in love with the idea of a husband. Which was unfortunately him. You don't fall in love like this, Fred. When you spend time with a person, get to know a person, that's when you fall in love.  Ayaaz was like an invisible person in my life, who I manipulated myself to believe that he's the one. He was not. I will never be able to get attached to anyone." I said. Freddy looked sad. He has always been sad for me. 

The office door opened and Ayaaz came out. He looked more grim than usual. I smiled and decided not to ask anything. Peter, a staff walked us to the women in the living area who were sitting, some heavily pregnant some barely. My eyes landed on a girl. Yes she was a girl. Around 15 or 16, her one hand rested on the small swell of her belly. Eyes looking hollow, the bags under her eyes has dug a hole. She was pale like white sheet. My heart clenced. What addisction can do to a person. 

I walked to her and sat beside her, Freddy and Ayaaz stood in their spot. 

"Hello, I'm Elha." I said as I offered my hand.  The girl's eyes lit up.

"Will you take it?" she said, her hollow eyes searching soemhting in mine. I sadly smiled at her.

"What do you want to give me?"  I smiled and brushed her hair.

"This thing, this baby." She pointed at her belly.  My smile dropped.

"Do you want to put your baby for adoption?"  I said softly. She nodded her head as if it was the only answer.

"Yes, when I found out, it was too late they said. They didn't let me abort, And now for it I am suffering so much. I never wanted it. When it comes out I don't want it." She said stubbornly.

"What's your name?" I said. 

"Lily." she said.

"Lily, I have applied for adoption  here." I smiled.

"If they let you, will you adopt it?" Lily said. My heart filled with sadness that she won't even call her own baby.

"I can't promise."  I said. Lily gave me a final nod and faced her back to me. I take it as my leave.  Ayaaz Freddy and I got out of the building.