Time Sensitive Target

Part 54 - Lost and Found

I felt like I had been punched in the gut, and it left me reeling. It was as though someone was pulling the right to my mental anguish away from me, invalidating every ounce of hatred and upset I'd nurtured over the last few months. But it wasn't gone entirely. It was still there, blurry and confused- this new, sickly feeling somehow far more intense and suffocating.

"I'm sorry- I-" the apology slipped from my lips in politeness, the registration that Jase was no longer the enemy, and never had been, seeping into my conscious. "I need a... a minute," I stammered, unable to meet his gaze. Jase looked as though ten tons had been lifted from his shoulders, the hardness behind his body language dissolved. But his face said a different story; cautiously unburdened, he seemed to be quietly regretting the admission.

"I'm sorry-" Jase started, leaning back against the marble island heavily. "I wanted you to be free from all that. But I can't... you hate me so much, and it's justified, and I can't change it... but I at least needed you to know why. I'm sorry, it's fucking selfish." He leant his chin against his chest in sombre reflection.

Selfish. Part of me wanted to laugh. Selfish... he had just proven that in fact everything he had done was entirely selfless, but I couldn't bring myself to disagree with him. I didn't know what to say or what to do, the fact being that his revelation couldn't erase the deep wounds I still struggled to heal. It just... obscured everything, and I couldn't fight my way through the murky tangle of thoughts.

"I don't... I don't know what to say," I murmured numbly, glancing at him for the first time. His green eyes locked on to mine, and he paced across the room towards me with an intensity in his gaze I hadn't seen before.

"I'm not a monster," he said softly, barely two feet away, pleading with his eyes for me to believe his words.

"Why do I still feel so-" I began to whisper, the shimmer of a tear slipping down my cheek slowly.

"Shh, I know," he stepped closer. Noticing I didn't balk at his proximity he enveloped me gently in his arms, pulling me in against his muscular frame. I didn't refuse. It wasn't unwanted. When had someone last held you? I felt the warmth from his body transferring to mine, the drum of the heartbeat in his chest a steadier rhythm than my own racing pulse. Did he understand?

"It doesn't change anything I did," he murmured above me. I could feel his chin moving against my head as he spoke, the rumble in his chest reverberating against my ear. I sniffed, more solemn tears snaking down my face. He had made it easier all this time. Wasn't it far more convenient to just hate him, to hold him responsible for the majority of my suffering? This pain, this mental anguish, was so much harder to make sense of. Jase was still a figure of my nightmares, but now there was guilt, anxiety, and the horrible feeling that none of it was justified. I felt grief. Real, unbridled grief. The way I'd made sense of the entire situation had been taken away from me, and now I was lost. But you're not. He's here, holding you.

*

Jase had offered me a spare room, lingering awkwardly in the doorway as I sat on the bed and contemplated saying something. I couldn't form a sentence, unsure what I wanted to say if anything. I just had to let it all digest, it was too much to process.

"Get some rest," he muttered and walked away with heavy steps.

I tried to sleep. I removed my clothes and put on a t-shirt Jase had laid on the dresser, huddled up under the covers and pressed my eyes to a close. There was nothing waiting for me behind them other than the inky blackness of racing thoughts. I wanted to scream. I'd been blind to it all this whole time, refusing to believe Ant when he promised Jase was trustworthy. I'd nurtured the festering hate for him until it consumed me, ridding me of my senses. He'd been my hero throughout, the sacrifice he made was beginning to dawn on me. I was shocked that he had protected me that vigilantly, but it must have come at a huge price to him. That day I had screamed at him to leave me alone lingered in my mind, the following morning he'd emerged in the same clothes, dark circles of a sleepless night framing his eyes- deep and stormy with shame and guilt.