Time Sensitive Target

Part 14 - Hangman

I was alone.

Actually alone for the first time in what felt like forever. Water reluctantly splattered onto my head from the groaning shower above me. I sat on the dirty cracked tiles, knees up to my chest to preserve body heat. Or was it to tuck myself away? The water coming off me was filthy. It swirled around and around in a murky brown whirlpool at the drain, and I watched it, fixated; as if it could drain away some of the memories too.

Do I feel ok? The question slithered into my mind before I could bat it away.
Of course you're ok. You're safe. It happened. It's done. Move on. Jas is dead. People die. You were lucky. You watched them rape her. They nearly raped you. But they didn't. They didn't. It didn't happen, it was narrowly avoided.

Somehow the image of the attacker's eyes was suddenly all I could see. Block. It. Out. I bit the inside of my cheek hard, too hard probably. But I'd felt the swell of tears approach my eyes and that familiar lump in my throat. Swallow it down.

I rested my head on my knees, knowing I could chew half of my entire face away and I still wouldn't be able to stop the surge of useless emotions from pouring out. It was pointless. Pointless. What was the point in being upset about it all? It happened, I had to live with it. And I would live with it, because you either do, or you don't. I didn't want to die. I shook off the instant memory of the rifle aimed at my throat. That was different. So what was the other choice? Live with it. Get on with it. Life goes on. Shit happens.

Pull yourself together, I told myself sternly as sobs threatened to echo around the small bathroom. I didn't have time for a breakdown now, I needed to clean myself and redress the wounds. Besides I knew someone would be waiting anxiously outside, and the longer I spent in here the more they'd all worry I might have offed myself. I took a big sniff in, and stood up. I swallowed hard, and shoved my face under the lukewarm water. Wash it away.

It worked. I washed my hair, and carefully cleaned my body as gently as possible, being careful not to look. I didn't want to see. A hard knock rattled the door as I turned the water off.

"Everything alright?" A voice came through.

"Yeah fine, sorry I took so long," I tried to speak loudly but my voice cracked. All the screaming must have damaged your voice box.

I dried myself as quickly as I could and put on the T-shirt and boxers Ant had given me. There was no point in putting the trousers on yet; Rav, the medic, had to come and check on how everything was healing. He's going to touch you. I knew he was going to have to touch me. That was fine. He was a professional. You're going to be alone in here with him while he touches you. Even if you had someone else to witness, you'd then be alone with two men. I shoved the ridiculous thoughts away. I was uncomfortable at the thought that Rav's hands would inevitably make contact with my body. But he had to do it, he was a professional, and he was sweet and harmless.

I peeled the door open a little. It was Rav stood outside.

"Hey, you ready for me to give you a check over?" He asked, he seemed a little uncomfortable himself.

"Yes," I looked down and retreated further into the bathroom to give him room to enter.

"We're going to leave the door open, just for... you know," he left his sentence ambiguously. "Were you ok washing yourself? Anything particularly sore?"

"My wrists are very sore still. And my back," I started to glance down to the ends of my arms and then quickly averted them to the wet floor, ignoring the images dancing behind my words. Block. It. Out. Rav took one arm gently and assessed it carefully, then did the same with the other.