Life chats

New Chapter

Well... it's been a while, hasn't it? I've just read through some of my old posts in this book and god it makes me cringe. I don't know why but I'm feeling particularly sappy today. I'm reminiscing on some parts of my life and it's making me sad. I've come to the conclusion that im living with a lot of regrets for a 21 year old.

I'm thinking about the person I was ten years ago and who I've developed into today. I can at least say I'm proud of the progress I've made. I was such a broken person and I've spent the past decade putting myself back together. I've finally reached a point where I almost feel whole, and yet not.

Working through trauma takes time. Like a lot of time. Part of me feels like my childhood and adolescence has been stolen from me because I spent all that dealing with past and then current trauma. My anxiety has stolen so many, of what should have been, joyful moments with my friends and family. My depression took away my personality, my passions, and ultimately my identity.

I'm so much happier being the person I am today. But now I'm reconciling with who I was all those years ago and it's painful. I don't mean that in a humorous way, acknowledging the parts of myself that I hate is a difficult task.

I've messaged some old friends recently. Some of which I knew when I was high school and others from elementary school. I never thought waiting for a Twitter dm would be such an anxiety provoking experience but it is.

I'm scared this person from elementary school is going to think I'm the same person I was a decade ago. I'm scared she's not going to give me the chance to prove I've changed and I'm a better person now. I'm scared I haven't changed enough for her.

I wish I never made the mistakes I did ten years ago. I wish I never made the mistakes I did five years ago. I wish I was more of the person I am today, back then. But I can't change the past. The only thing I can do is continue to be a better person with each passing day.

Part of me feels like I owe it to the people I've hurt to continue to be better. I need to be a better person for myself and for all the people I will meet in the future. So I don't continue to make the same mistakes.

There are certain quotes that have really stuck with me recently. One of which states that life teaches us in lessons. You will continue to repeat the same mistakes over an over again until you finally learn the lesson. Then you move on to another section with more lessons for you to learn.

I think the lesson I'm currently on has to do with learning how to forgive myself. I think this chapter is going to take me a while to get through.