Life chats

Ok

Ok
That little word that means so much
It's the word you use when you don't have anything to say
you're not good
you're not bad
You're not anything
You're just ok
But you're not ok
You're not happy
Not joyful
Not anything at all
But that's not what people want to hear
Nobody cares to know what's going on
And when you tell them
They thank you for trusting them
But you don't trust them
They asked
You responded
Honestly
What's wrong with being honest
When you aren't
People shame you
When you are
They treat you like a broken toy
There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do
Yet there are many things wrong with feeling that way
It's not normal
Yet it's the most normal thing about humanity
People aren't supposed to feel that way
But they do
And they are
But nobody talks about that
Nobody listens
Nobody cares
But everyone is feeling that way
It's a not so secret secret
Everyone knows something is wrong
But nothing is wrong
Because you're ok
So shut up
You're not ok
Don't lie to me
Don't lie to yourself
I can't stand the pain
And neither can you
So we drown in it
We grow quiet and relaxed
Yet furious and explosive
The fiery cold brooding anger bubbles inside us
We clench our fists
Break our skin
Hold back the tears
Until we break our minds
We are destructive
We can't see goodness anymore
Only evil and despair
We are angry
People tell us
It's going to be alright
Nothing is wrong
We're just fine
We're ok......
It's not alright
Something is wrong
We are not fine
We are not OK!
Nobody is
So why do we pretend
Why do people tell us lies
Why do people hope
For hopeless people
We are all hopeless
Hopelessly lost
Lonely
Alone
I'm sad
I'm angry
I feel so alone sometimes
And those sometimes
Are getting to often
Too many days become the sometimes
I thought I won this war seven months ago
I thought I had defeated my demons
I thought I was getting better
I still think I am
I think I'm improving in life
And today was just a day
Tomorrow will be better
Tomorrow is a new day
A new me
I defeated my demons before
I locked away that part of me
That told myself
I wasn't worth it
That I should just die
But I don't want to
I want to live
I want feel alive again
I want to be better
I want to be OK
But being OK is a lie
Is it?
Maybe I was wrong
Maybe my fire has burned out now
I'm tired
Tired of fighting
I just want to be happy
I have felt true joy
I have felt love
I have people that love me
I love them too
I'm tired of being angry
I'm tired of seething quietly
Silently Asking for attention
And then skipping back into the shadows
So I spoke up
I said my peace
I'm calm
But not ok