Believe Me? (Jalex, boyxboy)

21 - Heartbroken

For the days that followed my encounter with Jack I got little sleep. I was hard to even close my eyes without the feeling of suffocating guilt covering me like a blanket. I wish that I'd have kept my mouth shut, at least then I'd have Jack's nice side when we were alone. At least then I'd actually have someone. As much as I would love to cling to Zack, he had friends of his own and couldn't comfort me all the time.

I found myself not talking much either. There was nothing to say to anyone. Everybody was wrapped up in their own problems and lives to even acknowledge my existence. I liked to talk about my problems, I'd always been that way but others seemed to like to keep them to themselves and sort out with whatever they were dealing with alone. I did my best to understand, even though I desperately wanted to talk about everything that I was bottling up.

On one hand I was still angry. How dare Jack have patronized me in such a way, calling me a princess and making snarky comments. I was glad that I stood up to him. I was even glad that I hit him. It was what he deserved for being so rude.
On the other hand I was filled with remorse. I never wanted to be mean to Jack. I loved him, and the idea of being happy with him still caused my heart to swell. I wanted things to be okay. Part of me wishes that I hadn't have hit him, maybe then I'd get a word from him.

With all these mixed emotions, at the end of the day I was just plain heartbroken. It wasn't even like we'd ever said "I love you" but I was committed to him and everything horrible that he said to me stuck in my head like superglue. Even the good times we had together didn't cover up the fact that he basically told me that he'd used me. I thought what we had was real. In fact, I was very sure of it. I just couldn't figure out how he could bring himself to say those things to me. The Jack I knew wasn't a horrible person.

All of this hurt me so deeply, and the fact that I had nobody to talk to made everything feel so much worse, I couldn't even talk to my parents. They had no clue that I'd even been in a relationship to begin with, and despite them being concerned about me, I couldn't bring myself to tell them the full story. I was scared that I would cry again, and despite it being just a regular human reaction, it felt wrong. I used to be so happy.

Even school was hell. Matt wouldn't even look me in the eyes, and I found myself skipping out on days and calling in sick just to avoid the world and sleep for a few more hours, listen to minutes more of songs and seconds more of loneliness.

I didn't want to say that I was depressed over a stupid boy. And I wasn't, what I had with him was great, It's just that I would much rather be broken by sticks and stones than have the horrible words from Jack's mouth play over and over to hurt me.