Believe Me? (Jalex, boyxboy)

23 - Lacking Understanding

"I can't...I can't come out again Alex, you don't understand. I want to be with you more than anything, I fucking love you, please" Jack pleaded, taking hold of my hands, clasping them tightly because I was beginning to pull away.
"But why can't you come out? You're right, I don't understand, so explain because right now I'm confused" I managed to pull my hands away completely, getting off of him and standing up instead. Jack looked up at me with sad, watery eyes.
"I'm scared, I really am. I don't want people to treat me differently like before, I don't want to be horrible to you, please stay with me, I'll be different this time"
"We were out before? What's the difference? People know you're not straight, Jack." I said, not being able to comprehend why we couldn't just be an open couple. "I don't want to hide away our relationship, I love you too, I want other people to know that"
"You're not getting what I'm saying, I don't want what happened with my team to happen again, I don't want to be treated like shit because of who I am if I can avoid it". Silent tears were streaking down his face and he let out a frustrated sigh, using his sleeve to dry his eyes.
"Why are other people's opinions so important to you?! Why can't we be together properly?" I raised my voice. He wasn't understanding how I felt, I wanted to be with him, I didn't want to feel like I had to hide everything about us, I wanted to kiss him in front of people regardless of their opinions.

"You don't understand what it's like to have people you think are your friends fuck you over!"
"Well actually, Jack, I do" I snapped, feeling like the debate was slowly turning into an argument. "None of my friends have spoken to me in two weeks. You would have known that if you were there"

He was silent. Maybe what I said wasn't completely true, my friends were going through their own shit, I couldn't force them to be happy around me when they were feeling sad. But a conversation wouldn't have gone a miss, I should be angry at them, but I realized that I wasn't exactly the best friend to them either. I figured that at some point I would have to start making a bigger effort to keep my friendships.

"Please just try, Alex. I just want to be with you, I want to kiss you and hug you, I just can't deal with the hate that comes with" Jack pleased.
"I mean what I said. I can't stay in the closet, I want to be open about us. I want people to know that I love you"
"And I don't, maybe when we graduate I'll be ready, but right now isn't making me comfortable"
"I guess we'll have to wait until then" I pressed my mouth into a tight line, feeling like utter shit because this just wasn't working.

We would just keep arguing and reiterating our previous statements, I just wanted to love him, was that so hard? I was beginning to think that I was the problem. Maybe it was just me that he was unsure about coming out with. Maybe if I was different he would be able to be with me out in the open. My eyes began to water and I stared down at Jack who had his head in his hands, sniffing every so often.

This was just painful. Maybe it was for the best that we weren't together? Maybe we just weren't meant to be. It dug a hole in my chest to envision a world without him. I let out a shaky breath, hearing muffled speech from the hallway. Quickly drying my eyes, I went to let our parents in. I didn't realize it had gotten so late, but now I wouldn't be able to finish my conversation with Jack. I decided that he could have some time to think, stepping outside and smiling at my parents.

"Heyyyy baby" cooed my Mom.
"Hey" I replied simply, not feeling up for conversation. My heart hurt. My head hurt, I desperately wanted to cry, but I saved it for when I got home, burying my face deep into my pillow and letting out a quiet scream, tears quickly being absorbed by the soft fabric. This was a fucking nightmare.