Letting Go { Jung Jaehyun Series }

Chapter 8

"Open up the hanger; here comes the airplane," Rosa cooed as she hovered a spoonful of rice porridge in front of Jaehyun's mouth. He pressed his lips together and turned away.

"Come on, baby. Don't be childish," Rosa scolded.

"Maybe I would stop acting like a child if you would stop treating me like one," Jaehyun said with an annoyance in his voice that was not typical of him. But since the accident that had left him in a hospital bed, Jaehyun was struggling with severe depression and was refusing to co-operate with even the most basic of requests.

Rosa frowned. "I'm sorry. It's not my intention to treat you like a child. I'm just trying to be affectionate," she explained.

"Well, I don't need your affection, or your pity, or whatever the hell this is!" he exclaimed knocking the spoon out of Rosa's hand. It clattered onto the floor.

"OK, well, I take it that you are done eating," Rosa said with resignation. "Let me massage your legs for you."

"Don't bother," said Jaehyun. "It doesn't help anyway. I don't know if you have noticed or not, but I'm not getting better," Jaehyun concluded bitterly. "My range of motion is still what it was a week ago and I'm still no closer to getting my life back."

Rosa frowned. He was not wrong. However, arguably, he could participate more fully in his recovery. Still, his progress had been agonizingly slow. It didn't help that SM was sending an onslaught of representatives daily to "check his progress." It was just a nice way of saying that they were trying to evaluate when or if he could ever return to NCT. Rosa saw the effect that their visits had on his morale and had decided that she was going to serve as his protection from the toxic expectations of a company which only seemed to value their own bottom line.

So, Rosa had begun to station herself by the door as a kind of self-appointed gatekeeper, only letting in Jaehyun's mother and his fellow bandmates, who were sincerely concerned about their friend. Rosa dearly loved all the band members, but she found that Haechan, Johnny, and Mark were very high-energy and tended to tire Jaehyun with their cheerfulness and hijinks. Yuta, Taeil, and Doyoung seemed to have the best chance of making inroads with Jaehyun as they made no attempt to cheer him up. They simply allowed him to feel what he felt. Yuta, in particular, would spend long stretches of time in silence beside Jaehyun's bed.

Jaehyun's mother tried her best to be helpful, but her constant ministrations annoyed him. Rosa found herself in that same category, as well. She did not intent to annoy him, but the only way she knew to express her love was through taking care of him.

As Rosa pondered these things, Jaehyun's mom entered the room. "Baby, I just met the nurse out in the hallway. She said they will be taking you to physical therapy soon," she said brightly.

"I hate physical therapy," Jaehyun replied, his dead eyes staring at a spot on the wall.

"Well, no pain, no gain," chirped his mother cheerfully.

"It's more like, all pain, no gain," groused Jaehyun. "Have you been talking with SM because I just get this feeling that you're all about getting me rehabilitated so I can go back to my old life."

"Honey, no," she replied. "I just want what's best for you. I just want to see you strong and healthy again."

Jaehyun made no response. Instead, he turned his face to the wall. Rosa could read his body language. He was reaching the end of himself, and she wasn't sure what to do about it.

The nurse arrived to take him to physical therapy. He lay immobile on the bed, making no attempt to aid in getting himself into the wheel chair. When the nurse had finally wrestled him into the chair, she wheeled him to the therapy room. It was a large room filled with brightly colored bands and balls. Against the wall, stood a row of various bikes and treadmills.

Jaehyun was greeted by his PT, who went by the English name of Randy. Jaehyun gave him a wry smile, wondering if he knew that his name was just another word for "horny." He had very little left in his life but the ability to mentally throw shade at others. If he were to be totally honest, however, he had to admit that Randy wasn't a bad guy. He just happened to be one of a growing number of people who refused to live in reality. Jaehyun knew his body would never be the same. And yet, everyone in his life insisted on clinging to the pipe dream that he would be back to his old self in no time. Their utter inability to sit with him in his current situation was maddening. The person who could do that best for him was Yuta. He appreciated the peaceful silence of his presence.

Randy deftly picked Jaehyun up out of his chair and set him on a high cushioned table. "How's your pain level today on a scale of 1-10?" he asked.

"Seven," Jaehyun replied.

"OK, so, it sounds like you're in a little more pain than you were in yesterday," Randy commented cheerfully. "So, let's start out with some hot compresses and the TENS unit before we get into the really hard work of the day."

After the pain treatment, Randy took Jaehyun's foot and bent his left leg at the knee. He did the same with the right leg. Then he had Jaehyun do some crunches to strengthen his core. After several more stretches, Randy suggested that Jaehyun try to take a few steps. As of yet, he had not attempted to walk, despite the fact that his injuries did not preclude walking.

As Randy stood Jaehyun on his feet in front of the parallel bars, his mother stood by in anxious anticipation. Jaehyun took one tentative step, which his mother mimicked as well beside him. Her expectant face felt like a 100-lb weight on Jaehyun's shoulders. What if she was expecting the impossible? He took one more step before his knees crumpled underneath him. He caught himself by his armpits on the bars.

"It's OK, honey," his mother coaxed. "Just get back up. You can do it."

Jaehyun's eyes flashed with fire. "My God, mom, can you let me breathe? I can't stand you hovering over me all the time. Can you just leave already? Just go! Find something else to do with your life besides micromanaging mine!" he spewed.

Rosa put her arm around the shaken woman. Unshed tears gathered in the older woman's eyes. Rosa led her into the hallway to allow her to calm down out of Jaehyun's sight.

"What does he want from me?" she questioned aloud. "I've dedicated my whole life to him. I gave up everything I was just to be his mom, utterly and completely --- his mom."

"I know," Rosa consoled her. "He's not himself. You have to remember that."

"Clearly," sniffed his mother. "He was always such a sweet boy. Who is this monster? That's not the boy I raised," she bemoaned.

"He is that boy," Rosa assured her. "Down deep inside him, he is still that sweet boy, but he's hurting physically and mentally." Patting the woman on the back softly, Rosa suggested, "Why don't you let me talk to him for a moment? Just stay here and let things cool off."

Rosa re-entered the room and found Jaehyun back in his wheelchair. Randy was with another patient on the other side of the room. Rosa knelt down in front of his chair and lay her head in his lap. She said nothing. Jaehyun began to softly stroke her curly hair.

"I'm sorry," he breathed, choking back a sob.

"I know," Rosa said, patting the side of his thigh. "It's hard, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it's just too much sometimes. I feel all this pressure to get back to myself, and I'm just not sure that I can," he admitted.

"Hey, guess what?" Rosa whispered. "No matter what happens, I'll still be here. You're worth fighting for. So, I'm going to give it my all to see you living your best life, whatever that looks like."

"But you didn't sign up for this," he argued. "You shouldn't have to be held back by me."

"I promise you can hold me without holding me back," she whispered with her head still in his lap.