Valedictorian | Armin Arlert

better

Long story short was: you couldn't cut off Armin forever.

The time you spent after dinner with Eren followed the same pattern: your pathetic attempt to replace the profound, thrilling satisfaction Armin provided.

Of course, nothing quite worked and it only became more difficult to function without as the hours passed.

This was embarrassing, you admit. But it wasn't like you weren't literally contemplating this for days and spending Christmas trying to put Armin from your mind but it was hard when he seemed to be one of the only things in your life that wouldn't expect anything from you.

Maybe the loneliness was getting to your head. This might have been a mistake but who were you kidding? Getting this close to Armin was a mistake from the beginning. As if trying to not think of him only made you think of him more.

Now, on the day of New Year's Eve, you were at his doorstep.

In your AP Literature class, they called this situational irony.

After knocking, you found yourself quite surprised to see him open the door. Frankly, you wouldn't blame him if he hadn't answered and instead left you out in the cold with regret marinating in your gut for the rest of the year. But Armin couldn't help himself.

Your stomach lurched. Armin looked horrible. Murky clouds lingered under his eyes, which seemed dimmer than usual. They lit up ever so slightly at the sight of you at the door. The corner of his lips didn't lift– he was using his hope sparingly.

There was an apprehensive period of silence where you both didn't say a word. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable but more of an expression of mutual guilt and a short-lived spark of elation that stemmed simply from standing a meter away.

"Are you okay?" said Armin. Shivers spiraled down your spine. Suddenly coming here felt like a mistake. Of course, those were his first words.

"I'm sorry." That was all you could assert. The words hung in the air, like bait in a snare. But you kept them there to marinate in the tension. To soak it up and replace it with peace.

"What..." there was a twinge of fleeting anger in his voice that failed to reciprocate in his face. If anything, his face showed hope. It was amazing how such a word could invoke so much in Armin. He seemed to lean in but refrained as if someone was watching.

"I don't have an excuse, okay?" You let your lips run. "I was an asshole– but I'm not apologizing because I believe that I was wholeheartedly in the right– that isn't going to change." You paused. "But... I can't lose what we made."

"Why are you here?"

"I don't want you to leave me alone." You confessed. There was so much more to it than that. You saw his face in crowds. Heard his voice in songs and his name conversation. You linked random– inconsistent factors to him and things he did. If you Armin truly sit ways, it would drive you mad. "Just talk to me again."

Armin didn't do anything to express the weight that was lifted from his chest. There was a dam behind eyes that lifted. More than that, he concealed his smile with a gaping expression. You looked around, the hideous car was running. Unsteadily, Armin's eyes pierced you like a pin through a fly.
His expression was completely unintelligible.

"Are you..."

"Mad?" said Armin, finishing, predicting your sentence. You flinched. He waited, all he could do was stare. His shaky breath revealed in white transparent clouds, dissipating into the air. He hitched a breath and his eyes darted to the ground. Finally, he bit his bottom lip and shook his head. "I've never been mad at you."

God, you could've melted despite the freezing temperatures.

"Really?" Your shoulders relaxed, "I– I was an asshole. Is it that easy?"

He chuckled. "(Y/N)..."

"Don't laugh," you scowled. "I'm serious... I care about you. I–"

"I can't be mad. Even if I wanted to...  I can only be happy you're back." He placed his hands on your shoulders with a caring smile. "The past week has been hell and I'd go through that hell again and again and never be mad at you, ok?"

"I..." your throat was sore from holding back tears. "Nobody's ever– Jesus, Armin..."

"I have something to tell you–" 

You noted his running engine. There was so much more you wanted to say, but you examined him further– he was getting ready to leave. Thankfully, you caught him before he did. But... where could he be going?

"Ah! You got the door!" The ground you stood on weakened. "Oh... (Y/N)..." the sky collapsed.

"H..." you choked. 

"We were going to my parent's house for New Year's Eve," Emilia answered from behind him. Armin looked just as shocked as you. "He's been so excited to meet my family." Her voice was flustered.

Your stomach dropped. Parents, of course. That's what Armin needed anyway. It stung, but the truth was, Emilia had more to offer. You wondered if it was a mistake to come. Perhaps Armin didn't care you cut him off. You didn't offer anything anyway.

"R... right," you strained a smiled. It took everything in you not to slap your hand over your mouth and gasp. Truly, in your life there were few, rare occasions you ever really felt like an idiot.

As of now, it felt like you hit a new low.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, your internal monologue recited. Of course the great Armin Arlert compelled you to reach outside your comfort zone– being the fool. The very thing you despised.

She softly caressed his shoulder as Armin gazed down with a hollow, half-hearted smile. "So," she said to him, "you ready?" Her eyes threw darts at you, understandably. Air waned and froze in your lungs. It felt like you were treading water.

"Uh..." not so suddenly, everything you wanted to say was stuck in your throat. "Sorry t– to bother you then..." 

You rushed to your car. The ultimate reminder lingering over your head: Armin didn't belong to you.

×××
to be continued...

a/n

A short chapter, I hope that's okay!!

yo happy holidays! How was your holiday season? Who else is ready to tackle semester two?? I, for one, cannot wait. I got a skateboard for Christmas which was so cool! Anyway, let me know how your holiday was and go take care of yourself!!! Love you guys and thanks for reading!!! <<33