Depersonalization

9

I needed things for making tassels. However, thinking about it felt like lost cause. It was an impulsive mistake to make tassels for Marcellus.

I was traumatized by my own friendly demeanour and felt strange that a part of me was looking forward to being with him. He was like the sun who was bright and kind. The innocent smile did have any kind of blemishes and no ulterior motive hid beneath it. Maybe that is why I thought hard on which colour tassels would suit the best with sunny hue of the box as I wanted to make the best for him to see his smile. These tassels were simple gifts however I had a feeling that Marcellus would love them.

After much thinking I came to the conclusion of making golden tassels which complemented the colour of the flute and the box. It was the only skill that I knew and I was taught by my grandmother who used to be a tailor. The short amount of time that I had spent happily living with her left me with innumerable scars but they were never painful it is just that when you look back at them the memories felt sore and tender.

I decided to buy the materials on my day off on Sunday so I planned to take a detour of Amanda St. where an old tailoring shop still stood even after forty years of intense survival in the market.

'I'm coming in...'

'Oh yes please' An old woman in her seventies greeted me. She had white hair which were cut short and a golden rimmed spectacle rested on her head. Her face had many wrinkles which covered her crimson eyes and outlines her thin lips. She was wearing khaki pants and white loose t-shirt that looked quite good on her. I greeted aunt who used to be my grandmother's employer when she was still alive and worked in a tailoring shop.

The shop was much smaller than it looked from outside with the smell of detergent and new clothes mixed with the scent of moth balls. It smelled old and like new clothes at the same time. My grandmother used to work here so she used to take me to her workspace sometimes. In all those years the shop did not change even a single bit. It looked just as fresh and peaceful that it looked many years ago.

'Ah its Aziel!' The old woman exclaimed happily. The only memory I had of her was her offering me the delicious eclairs toffee she used to keep in the pockets of her woollen sweater. I did not know her name and despite her age I used to refer her as aunt which was something she taught me to call her.

'Hello Aunt, I would like to have materials for making tassels'

'Yes sure.'

I looked around the shop. It had various cloth materials in different hues, some were soft to touch while others coarse. I looked at the various buttons on the display shelf looking like precious stones and diamonds of various shapes and sizes. It was evident that her sales were not going well. People nowadays did not need tailoring materials like forty years ago in spite of all that she still enthusiastically opened her obsolete shop and smiled at the few number of costumers that came to her occasionally.

I came across a cute button of a cat. It was square in shape and was quite small with a cartoon of a white cat with a pink bow drinking strawberry smoothie. It was on the display a shelf where other buttons were kept however, I was not sure if it was for sale.

'Cute' I laughed at the unique button.

'Oh, my Aziel. It is the first time I saw you laughing! Here your materials.'

'Aunt, is it possible for me to buy this button?' I pointed out at it.

'Well yes sure however we only have this one '

'It is fine I thought of taking only one of it'

I looked intently at the pretty button. It was really pretty and cute, imagining Marcellus' face who loved such things made me laugh. I was sure his eyes would shine just like the little kitty and he would smile in amazement when I would give it to him.

'You look happy Aziel. It seems that you like your new school. Take this button as a gift' Aunt smiled happily.

'I am happy?' I was stupefied. I did not understand feelings like peace and happiness. Living in constant fear and anger has left me like a broken rag doll. Was this feeling called happiness? A cooling sensation in the burning heart. A day when I wake up not writhing with the pain because of wounds but instead look forward for the day. It is really a complex emotion and its complexity seems like a jigsaw puzzle. All the pieces need to come together in order to make some meaning.

'Yes, I am sure you are very happy. You cannot stop the grinning and your complexion looked better. It seemed like you are eating more too, you were quite thin and your eyes looked lifeless. Now I feel that your face seemed fuller and eyes sparkled when you looked at the button.'

'So, this is happiness?'

'Happiness can be of many types; one does not particularly need to smile or laugh to be happy. Just being in the company of a loved one or small successes can make one feel good. It shows on our overall personality when we feel happy and you my dear are radiating.' Aunt grinned.

I thought in doubt on what she said.

'Thank you, Aunt, '

'Come again little one' Aunt waved at me.

I certainly was feeling better than I felt in years. I felt normal like a normal high schooler although I was not sure about being happy. After a very long time, I did not look down the road but straight ahead. I was never afraid of people but weary of them. Alone yet not lonely. Looking at the youngsters of my age enjoying life I felt bitter and jealous. Just a simple thing like going to school, handing out homework or eating the cafeteria food made me feel alive again and I was looking forward to those activities every single day of the week. I loved talking to Marcellus who used to share the littlest detail of his life with a dazzling smile. No matter how much I push him he always seemed to find a way back to me. Some part of me felt secured that no matter how I acted, how much tainted I am Marcellus would never leave me. In these two months every day felt like a new day to me. The changes were not too great, I still has nightmares; I still felt sad and depressed yet a new feeling has taken a small place my broken heart- Hope. Marcellus was my hope

*It is all because of Marcellus. I should have not let my guard down. *

I grumbled while crouching at a place near a café while blushing from ear to ear. The more I think about him the harder it was to control my feelings for him.

'Hey who is this?'

'He feels familiar'

'Shit isn't he the ghost? That one in our school?'

'He was in our school. We drove him away. Remember?"

*Why...why.... why .... why are they here? *

My heart stopped. I froze on my place unable to think and understand anything. Just six months ago the three people talking right now used to gang up on me, bullying me like I was an abomination. A pest or a worm in their eyes. A sickly pale worm.

'Hey ...You are that ghost right' One of the bullies came close to me. I could feel their sneers and dirty gazes.

*Run*

My mind said and my muscles screamed.

'Hey show me your face. Creepy guy'

*Run with all you've got*

My mind alarmed me again.

'Hey you listening to me?'

*This is the time. Run. *

They were coming close. l mustered all my strength in running away from them

Ah... Happiness truly is something completely foreign to me I cannot afford to be happy. I did not deserve to be happy. All I felt was a lingering emotion of my past. The past he left behind. Past he had no right to remember now. Marcellus felt like a messiah to me so I depended on him immensely. But now I understand that this emotion would only be detrimental to him for I cannot be loved. I was incapable to love.