Comfortable Chaos

Chapter 1

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Copyright 2015

Brandi
Too smart for your own good.

He's looking at me. Lee is looking at me. What am I supposed to do? What should I say? I can't. I'll shoot him a quick smile and keep walking to Mama's car...There. Did he see it? I hope so. I should have waved.

Climbing into Mama's blue Camry, I'm disappointed in my stupid attempt at flirting. Not that Mama notices. She never sees what I'm going through...or she doesn't care. I don't get it. I'm a good kid. I make good grades. Don't smoke. Don't drink. I've never even had sex but does Mama notice my unearthly good behavior? Nope. She refuses to reward me with even an inch of freedom. If I had it, I'd know how to handle Lee.

I glance over at her. She focuses on the road, gently humming to the music on the radio and tapping the steering wheel with her thick fingertips.

"Um, I got my geometry test back today."

She glances over at me.

"I got a ninety−eight."

Her somber expression gives way to a knowing smile. "Glad to hear it."

I smile. "Yep, the teacher said I had the highest score."

She nods and stares off into the neighborhood, as if the people living nearby could hear that her daughter had the highest grade in class. "Good to know. I was never a math whiz. I guess that tutor helped, huh?"

"Yeah, a little." Do it now, Brandi. She can't read your mind. "Since I'm doing so good in school I was thinking about you rewarding me."

Mama looks my way, distracted from her high. "What reward? You know we're giving you a Sweet 16 party soon."

"Right but I was thinking about a different reward, well, more like a privilege."

"Privilege?" my mother asked, raising her eyebrow again.

"Like allowing me to talk to boys on the phone."

The car jerks but keeps moving. This isn't a good sign but I'm sticking to my guns.

Mama inhales deeply. "We've talked about this. I don't think it's a good idea."

I sigh. "Why not, Mama?"

"Because you're too young for all that boyfriend, girlfriend stuff. I want you focused on your grades."

"Why can't I do both?"

"I've never seen a child do both."

"I will," I plead.

Mama shakes her head and looks out the window. Her swollen hands grip the steering wheel. There has to be a way to get her to see things my way. See that I'm not a little girl anymore. In a few years, I'll be an adult. I'll be able to move out of the house. What if I become an adult without ever having been on a date? I recall my flirtation fail and anxiety hits me like lightning.

"Don't you think it's important to my development to learn boy-girl relationships?"

"Ha! Don't even try it, little girl. You wouldn't even know where to start."

"What am I missing?"

Mama frowns and stares out the windshield. "Damn, girl. Too smart for your own good."

"That's my point. If I'm smart, then I can figure it out. I won't get pregnant or anything."

Mama glares at me. "I know you won't."

I suck my teeth. I'm so sick of her making something out of nothing.

"What's your problem?"

"How do I understand relationships if you won't let me learn? I have to find out someday." My voice wavers. Catching my breath, I feel defeated. Like I don't have a leg to stand on but I'm still not ready to give in.

Mama stops at a sign and faces me. "You want me to teach you. Okay, here it goes. Boys are no good. You can't even begin to know the games they're gonna run on you. So, you will not be talking to them." Mama slowly faces forward and takes her foot off the brakes. "On the phone or otherwise."

"You act like I can't think for myself," I blurted out.

"You can't!"

Pow! There it is. A bullet to the stomach. And she doesn't even care if I'm bleeding. Instead of being her smart little honor roll student, I'm now her empty−headed vessel. I don't deserve this. I've done everything she's wanted. Maybe that's the problem.

It's my turn to stare out the window. A tear escapes my eye and I wipe my right cheek. Thank God it's the right cheek. That way she can't see it. I can't bear another tongue lashing.