Baby, Me, and My OCD - #Panic Writing Contest

Postpartum Panic

Like most people on this planet, I am afraid of death and dying. It's not so much the process itself but what comes after that scares me the most. You see, I suffer from a special form of Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) known as scrupulosity.

I grew up as a church kid with OCD which turned out to be a very bad combination. My religion constantly reminded me that if I was not a "true believer," then I was headed straight to hell. This fear of eternal damnation became my obsession, and I performed A LOT of praying to keep my anxiety from going through the roof.

When I reached high school, I stopped going to church and practicing my religion. However, that fear of going to hell never left, so I continued praying. Over the years, the prayers became longer and more complicated. I had to say my prayers until they felt just right. I wouldn't allow myself to take even one bite of food until I had perfectly recited my prayer.

For the next decade, I obediently performed whatever rituals my OCD demanded. Life was busy, so I just did whatever my OCD commanded of me without stopping and taking the time to address the root causes of my fears. And this approach of just "going with it" worked up until I became a mother.

Right after the birth of my daughter, life became a blur of diaper changes, feedings, and sleepless nights. To keep myself awake and to pass the time during long nursing sessions, I would surf the Web. And one day, in a far corner of the Internet, I came across an article about a man who claimed to have died and gone to hell.

As I read the story, my heart raced faster and faster. By the end of the article, I was in full panic mode and didn't know what to do. I had been triggered, and my dormant fear had awoken. I was way too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it. So, I suffered in silence. I went through the motions of caring for my child, but mentally, I was somewhere else.

One evening, my husband caught me crying my eyes out while rocking the baby to sleep. He was alarmed and immediately took the baby from my arms. One look on his face is all it took to make me realize that I had to address my OCD ASAP.

So, the first thing I did was buy a copy of Brain Lock by Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz. I carefully read through this book and followed its advice and tips. Secondly, I started being more open. I talked about my struggles with my husband and wrote blog posts about my experience to share with others.

With time, I was able to crawl out of that dark hole of fear, anxiety, and depression. And I am so glad that I finally took that first baby step on the road to recovery.