The reality of being a depressed teen

Page 1.

Youth, joy & hope are the emotions I was told I should feel for a guy my age instead confusion, shame, pensive, self loathe & depressed is what I actually feel. With pen & paper in hand is where I'm most comfortable at. Why you ask? Its where I can fully reveal years of bottling my true emotions & deepest thoughts. As a child growing up I was the youngest of 3, you would think I had all the attention but in reality the oldest got all the attention. Since then I have been crying & pleading for attention. Being neglected forgotten is the absolute worse to feel as a child... But I believed patience was my way to cope. For 11 long years I have attempted to get attention not just from my parents but from anyone I felt alone with nowhere to go. As young as I was I tried everything clubs, sports, & gatherings you name it. For a period of time I isolated myself from any contact. Every where I went it was the same " Life is too short to be sad." "Enjoy your youth while you still have it." Innocence. Innocence? At that point I felt guilt & hatred for myself, I felt like it was my fault that my presence didn't matter to anyone. As high school rolled around how my desperate desire to seek attention gotten worse. I surrounded myself with people who I thought we're my friends just to get that high to feel wanted around. In reality I was turning into a monster. Somehow these "friends" knew I desperately coveted the thrill of attention & they used it to their own advantage to manipulate me to do acts that weren't me. My mind races with the thoughts "Who am I becoming?" "Why are you like this?" "I belong 6 feet in the ground." As I lay here thinking of what else to say I weep & drown into the deep pool of emotions of my depressed, sick & twisted mind.