The Light of Knowledge

Chapter four, in which I feel like I'm blind

Blind

Blindness is not only to mourn the sun,

To puzzle over dayspring fairytales

Or live with fingertip faith.

It is to lean upon the world,

-Rupert Hodge

Aldehydes are very common in our everyday life, as they are contained in fruit... I squint, trying to decipher Mr. Bennet's statements on the blackboard. But they keep blurring, making it impossible for me to copy them. I sigh as I hear Charlie stifle a laugh at the table behind me. „Nuwanda", I hiss, throwing a quick glance at our Chemistry teacher and then turn around in my chair, „it's your turn to take notes. I can't read this shit." „I've heard that's what glasses are for." I give him an exasperated look. „I think I forgot them at work yesterday. Could you just-" „Is there a problem, Ms. Williams?" „No, Sir. I'm sorry."

By the time chemistry is over, my eyes already feel exhausted. „How did you lose your glasses anyway if you need them so badly?"Charlie asks as we walk to Latin. „I don't know. I took them off when I was dusting at the Danburry's and after that I had to run back here because it was pouring outside and... I must have left them there." I can't believe it either. Usually, I'm super careful with my glasses. „Kind of silly considering I have to take your notes now." „Yeah, kind of silly. Big words for the man with the back to front slipover though." I grin. He glances down his chest and shrugs. „Dusting, huh? Do you like working there? I can't picture you as a house maid." „It's alright. I mean, household stuff is household stuff, but it's easy and someone has to do it anyway. But this way, I make money with it." I've had this job for a few weeks now and to be honest, I do like it. I often talk to Ginny when she's home, sometimes she helps me or turns on her radio. And her parents are friendly. „And I met Chris." Charlie rises his eyebrows and grins. „So? Did Knox's doxologies do her justice?" „Oh yeah, she's pretty. And very sweet. Don't tell Knox, but she could really do better. There is something about Chet that makes me uncomfortable." „What do you mean?" I open my mouth to explain but close it again, hesitating. I think I've been at Welton for so long I almost forgot that I'm nothing without this school, nobody, a maid, dependend on my employer. In no position to talk back. Chet Danburry makes me remember that whenever I see him. „I don't know. He seems like a condescending jerk, just like you guys said." As Mr. McAllister starts to write obscure vocabulary on the chalkboard, I wonder if Charlie's family has house maids. Or Cameron's, who is biting the end of his pen, ready to take notes for the two of us. I bet most of the guys in my class grew up with people doing their laundry, cleaning their rooms, cooking their food. People who are supposed to stay in their place. Who would never be allowed to go to Wellton. Usually I would be proud, because somehow, I did it. I made it here. But right now, I just feel like I'm choking.

Yesterday's rain clouds vanished over night and left the sky clear and gray, the air so cold it bites my face as I walk towards town to get my glasses. Charlie offered to accompany me, but Cameron screamed him down. Apparently, Charlie hasn't done any homework this week and Cam swore to get him to work no matter the consequences. I don't feel like being around people anyway. I drag my feet through dead leaves and watch my white breath dissolve in the crisp air. I don't even feel like existing right now. In a world full of seperating boundaries that assign equal people different worth. A different future. I am so lucky, I know I am. It's just hard when you remember where you originally belong. I pick up a cold stone, consider throwing it and let it drop back to the ground. It's pointless. I pull up my shoulders and keep walking. Going to town by foot takes quite some time. I wish I was in a car, where I could close my sore eyes and try to ease my mind. Today seems to be the day of long ignored truth. Soon, Mr. Nolan is going to consult with all my teachers, a routine repeated every ten weeks. He will report the achievements of the Eisenhower-scholar. Document the development of the project. Of me. Who knows if I'm good enough. Who knows if that even matters. If he wants to, the director can declare the projest as failed. Send me home where I belong. When I finally reach the Danburry's house, I hesitate to ring. Who needs glasses anyway? I'll just find myself a nice trash can and live in it for the rest of my days. But I push this tempting thought away and a moment later, Ginny opens. „Hi Diana! What's- Oh, quick, come on in, you must be freezing."I smile at her thankfully and close the door behind me. „Diana? Weren't you supposed to come again on saturday?", Mrs. Danburry shouts from the living room. I hurry through the hall and stop in the doorway, rubbing my stiff fingers. „Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry, I think I forgot my glasses here yesterday." Ginny comes up from behind me, her lips pressed together. „We found them, right Mom? I put them upstairs in my room." I always thought Ginny wouldn't want me in her room. Every time I came to work, she told me she had already cleaned it herself. But now she leads me upstairs and through the door I always spared when I dusted and put on fresh bedsheets. I pause on the door stop. Ginny hands me my glasses from the desk. I put them on and sigh in relief. „ Ah, finally. Thank you so much. Where were they, anyway?" „In the storage room. I found them and figured they must be yours." „Yeah, thanks." I'm not sure how to talk to her. I've seen her a lot in the past weeks, sometimes she turned on the radio for me or I helped her with a question for school. But everything feels weird when your employed by the other person's parents. I let my gaze wander through the room. It looks incredibly alive. There are posters on every wall and the floor is covered with school books and papers. I also spot a portable radio on her night stand. And a bunch of pencils next to a sketchbook on the desk. Ginny gives me a strange look. „We can talk, you know? As friends. I'm not my mother. I don't get why she treats you like a handmaid."Because I am your maid. I purse my lips and catch the words before they can escape. But if you don't want to think about that, sure.