Colours

Red

Red is an endless road.

Red is happy and sad. Smiling and crying. High and low. Calm and angry. Acception and rejection. Silent and loud. Up and down. Filled and empty. Fixed and broken. Peace and rage. Passionate and cold. Fire and ice. Love and hate.

All at the same time.

Red was and still is something I cannot let go, no matter how much I try, it is an impossible mission. From the moment I first caught his smile, and so over everything we've been through, he never left my heart. He was always here, hidden somewhere, and I wasn't conscious of loving him in a little different way. During two years, before I realized I felt something new, he was still one of the most important people for me. The one important who I doubtessly trusted to, who I never could've imagined as a person who would do anything to harm me, or anyone else.

It's hard to begin the story of the Red, because it seems like it never had a proper beginning, nor ending. Like it was always here, built in the same time as I was building myself. I never really got the chance to explain why I got so attached to him in such a short period of time, and I still don't know. There was a time when I was convinced I had him in the best way, there was time when I thought I actually never knew him at all, and now is time when I'm not even sure if he exists for me. There's only one thing I know for sure; he had left the strongest mark on me, in every single possible way.

I'm not going to talk much about our first year of hanging out and becoming close friends because in reality, he never considered me in a friendly way as I used to consider him. I'll just say that the first year spent in high school for me was marked with his presence in every decision I would make. He was the first boy I ever told a secret to, the first one who I wasn't afraid to approach to in school and start a simple, careless conversation. Throughout months and months of our hanging and getting closer, many of my other friends critisised me about him. My first boyfriend, also from the same class, banned me from spending time with him, some of the stupid guys kept making fun of us, but that just made me stay even closer to him. I trusted him undoubtedly, no matter what happened, I always listened to him and felt safe for even sitting next to him. We rarely had a physical contact, sometimes we'd hug if we wouldn't see each other for a long time, but there wasnt nothing more than that. Firstly I had a boyfriend, then I fell in love with another one through dreams, and he was here as the friend who would always ask me do I need help or advice, and was a refuge for me in the hard times.

Till that one day at the beginning of the second year.

It came all of a sudden, without any kind of warning or even a simple sign that something that bad is coming. Like the brightest lightning which rips the sky before the thunder strucks. Every single thing we had, stopped. It was gone, it was done, completely lost like we never knew each other. Broken in pieces and frozen in the moment his look suddenly didn't try to find mine any more. The worst thing was that I had no fucking idea why had he done it.

As we didn't talk and communicate any more, I started counting days to pass faster. It was that worst period that caught me when I still loved Green. The awful lasting time when I began to lose the boy I was im love with, when the class bully torchered me and when my three friends who I loved the most, left me. He was one of them. It was the time when I was alone in my pain and thoughts, wondering only what have I done to him to make him react like this. It was horrible staying without every of the three friend who I trusted to, but for him it was the hardest. I tried solving it with two conversations and a long message; nothing moved forward. I tried asking him directly after a while; it didn't help. I was left with one question hanging over my head, with one empty place in my heart he used to fill, and with counting the number of days that we didn't talk.