MARCID

-2-

Drop after drop...

Warm water hit my pale skin,my snowy hair...

I do not understand the need in humanity to fix someone that is different.Like,me.Phoenix is trying to fix me.

Some of us are hurt,some are damaged,some are broken and some are shattered.

If you're hurt,you can heal.If you're damaged,you can be fixed.If you're broken,you can be put togather but...However,when you're shattered,you are beyond and of that.You're doomed.

Unfortunately,I'm shattered and I'm doomed.Phoenix's efforts are for nothing.They will be for nothing.

As I was in the shower cabin,I realised there wasn't a tub.Then,I'll have to go a different way.

I would've filled the tub and tried to drown myself in attempt to feel something!Anything!However,Phoenix is aware of my habits.

So,I backed away from the shower head and put my hand under it.Second by second,I turned the water hotter.I could feel the pain but that wasn't what I was looking for.

Pain comes and goes.I want to feel something that can stay.

I saw no need in continuing and came out of the bathroom.I turned to the sink and put my hand under the cold water.I don't think I went far enough this time.Maybe that's why.

I want my heart to feel something,not my mind.I want to feel the heartache that comes with the loss of my recent girlfriend.I felt too much of heartache that...With each of them,I felt less hurt.

The more I was broken,the more I had to be put togather.Though,no one cared about that back then.So I became shattered.

Shattered...

What a useless yet the most useful word.

It feels useless when you drop a vase because you can buy another but...But you cannot buy another soul,another heart...You cannot buy another you when you're shattered.

If I have to pull myself togather,it's not going to take a few months,no.It could take years!

I have to find the missing pieces,I have to learn which goes where,I have to put it togather delicately because they are all too small and very fragile...

That process,the process I went through many times and failed,takes long.

Going through that process left me marcid.I don't think I can go through that again.Not for Phoenix,not for myself,not for anyone.

I wouldn't consider myself as a reconteur but...I guess a little explanation wouldn't hurt.

I'm a solivagant,I like being alone as it was all I was throughout my life.

My father,he never loved me.He cheated on my step mother with a one night stand,aka my birth mother,and I was concived.

My birth mother found me and left me to my father.At first,he didn't believe that I was his.I had white hair and purple eyes for fuck's sake!Who would believe that?!

My birth mother,she was worse than I am.Weed,cocaine,cigarette,cigars,alcohol...Whatever comes to your mind,she's done it before.

My father tried giving me back to her,she refused.The only reason she even kept me was for money.

The club she was in was her current boyfriend's club.He thought I was his child.So while she was pregnant,he treated her better.She wanted that care and money he showered her with.

As far as I know,he dumped her after she told him that she killed the baby but actually gave me to my birth father.

Those substances is why I have unusual yet extraordinarily beautiful features.